palms are sweaty, i'm barely listening.

"staring at the asphalt wondering, what's buried underneath"

I feel contemplative. I should be productive. This is no way to start the new year, and definitely the wrong way to start the semester. I feel like i have a lot to contemplate, especially after last night.

sitting for 3 hours with someone you kinda sorta know everything about, but nothing at the same time. He treated me the way a friend should be treated- with honesty, both sweet and brutal. Everything I needed to hear. I needed to hear I mattered to someone. I mean, that sounds stupid because I have Eric, but whatever he says to me is inevitable, what we have is unconditional. But that doesn't mean I need friends to tell me that I matter. I came here with a built-in best friend and an almost perfect relationship waiting for me at home. I did not expect to meet someone who was willing to help pick up the deranged pieces of my shattered sanity. But I did, and I am thankful for it. A lot was said last night, and despite the drunkenness of it all, I can only hope that he meant what he said, because I did 100%. Funny, because when we first met, I was convinced he was a pig. But now I can be sure that his intentions are no where near romantic and we can be honest about everything. To hear that our friendship meant everything was what i needed. To hear from someone else that I am so much more than I think I am. I know he will be around whenever i ask.

It's almost easier when someone falls apart, because that's where I know what to do. I was made to help, and that's what I love. I know she thanked me over and over, but there is no thanks needed. I will always crawl into bed with her and stay until i am sure she is as close to okay as she will be. That's what friends are for.

Anyhow, I am keeping up with some of my resolutions. I am being more honest to myself and on a whole other note, I am going to the gym regularly! I just need to get through tonight, I don't know how I'm going to sleep because I am dying with excitement to see him tomorrow. I know he's making a huge effort to wake up and take the 8 o'clock train over here. He is always willing to take the horrendous commute to visit. It makes me delirious with happiness.

that is all, I must do calculus and watch my soul deteriorate.

-me