swallowed in the sea.

you put me on a shelf & kept me to yourself

I can only blame myself

you can only blame me.

...

& I could write it down and spread it all around.

get lost and then get found or swallowed in the sea.

you put me on a line & hung me out to dry

and darling that's when I decided to go and see you.

you cut me down to size and opened up my eyes

made me realize what I could not see.

How could I not have learned my lesson the first million times? How could I have thought it would've been okay?

I don't need to forgive you, I need to forgive myself. For letting myself believe in you again and again. I need to forgive myself for pretending and making it seem like this was going to make me happy. It's only myself that brought upon my own torment. I don't know what I was thinking. But how can I forgive myself when the memory of you taunts me day in and day out. I will deal with this. I will get over this.

yeah, right. That's what I said the first million times.

your best kept secret.

I'm not sure if this is even remotely a good idea. I have no idea what I'm getting into. But I'm getting into it. And I guess we'll take it from there. I thought so badly that this was what I wanted. But now that I have it, I can' make up my mind if it's what I wanted. I'm looking for closure. and I hope that's what I come out with.

Without you.

I thought being back without you would be better- easier, even. I was wrong. Every corner I turn, I think of you. I can't help but see you everywhere. It's driving me insane. It makes me miss you in the worst of ways. You were so good at making everything less difficult and keeping me distracted. When someone rounds the aisle, I'm expecting to see you there. It was almost lonely, despite the rush of last-minute shoppers, without you there. I wish you were there. I guess I always half-expected that I'd be coming back to you this holiday season and that you'd remember how much you swore you missed me. But it's all so wrong and I deserve to be this devastated by your absence. Maybe, here without you, I can focus on what I've got going on in front of me.

I am so thankful for you. How dare you be so far from me right now. I am so happy that despite all the odds, we are friends. please come back from windsor and tell me stupid things to make me smile.

apathetic.

numb. and freezing cold. I would give anything to feel something right now. anything, really. I'm so fed up with this insomniac bullshit. how the fuck am I supposed to get back into the synchrony of working? it involves sleeping normally and waking up to function normally.

I'm just happy to be home. There are so many people here that I need to seek refuge in. Thankfully, I will be seeing most of them tomorrow. and hopefully the rest sometime soon.

let me down.

time and time again. I'm just happy to know that it's not just me. I think. I don't know why I let myself hold my expectations so damn high. I don't know why I put myself out there only to get put down over and over. But time and time again it happens. and time and time again I allow it to. I'm not the type of girl who learns from my mistakes. I'm the type of girl who makes them over and over again. The same ones, too. I like to give you the benefit of the doubt. I don't dole out second chances. I give fifth, sixth, tenth chances. So maybe I'm the selfish one. Trying to hoard all of your good intentions. But whatever, I'm okay with that. And if being selfish means that I want a little bit of your time, so be it. It's because you keep giving me reason to want it. And so I'll continue to put myself out there on a regular basis so long as you give me reason to. Even if it's a mistake. Even if the only person who gets let down in the end is me. I need this as much as you used to claim you did.

on a completely unrelated note, I am disgustingly obsessed with GLEE. this was a very inappropriate time to get addicted to a TV show..

Hard hearted, don't worry I'm ready for a fight.

What in the fuck was I thinking? It's been days. It's been weeks. It's been MONTHS. how many people am I will to destroy before I get there? what is wrong with me. I put on a front, but I'm really not at all who you think I am.

"quit fooling yourself like that, I think you're a lot stronger than you think you are"

"you can trust me, I know it's hard for you but I'm just saying that you can"

"you cannot be replaced. If in fact, they were real they would only amount to a mirage of all that is good and yet to come. I would never be happy"

HAHAHA. what a fucking lie. why does it still bother me? I really shouldn't give a fuck anymore.

Yet for some sick reason, that is beyond me, I do. I really do.

oh and I'm feeling directionless

"yes, but that's to be expected and I know that best."
I open this almost everyday, and I always find that I have nothing to say.
Well, I always think that I do, but the things in my head never seem to sort itself out long enough to make sense.
Nothing is ever as eloquent as it is in my head.

consumed.

I have been swallowed whole.

I am an emotional wreck.

Why did you have to leave so soon?

I needed you then.

but I know where your priorities lie.

I shouldn't be surprised anymore.

but what can I say?

I am starving for human contact that means something.

tomorrow couldn't come any faster.

back to you.

Last night I came to an ugly realization. I realized that it always comes back to you. Whether it comes back in a romantic way or just in the way that I want you back in my life. For a while, at least. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to take from this. It's funny when I look back on all the pretty lies you told me. Who knew that they would haunt me. But what am I supposed to do? I can't cut out the good part of our relationship and loop it over and over. I don't know if we're supposed to see each other again. But I think that's what I want. I don't know why. I guess, I just never got closure. This is honestly driving me nuts. I can go hours, days, weeks, without thinking about you. But the minute you creep back into my head it's like you've made a permanent place to stay. I can't handle that anymore. But I don't know how to get the image of you out of my mind.

"The greatest love story ever told is your own"

rules.

Ten Rules for Being Human
by Cherie Carter-Scott
1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it’s yours to keep for the entire period.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, “life.”
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately “work.”
4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There’s no part of life that doesn’t contain its lessons. If you’re alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.
6. “There” is no better a place than “here.” When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will again look better than “here.”
7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life’s questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.

time and time again.

this too, shall pass.
I know it will. Because no matter how far I fall, there will always be something, someone to pull me out.

& when I really think about it, I'm so lucky

Academic Advising.

I am officially scared shitless for not just the next 2 years of my life, but the next 7 or so. I knew that this is what I wanted from the start. The last thing that I am is a quitter. I will prevail and I will get what I want and came here to do. I just didn't realize what that meant. I'm glad I know though. Asking questions and putting yourself out there is the only way to succeed. How can you expect to be put up on that pedestal if no one even knows who you are, or can't even recognize your face. I can do this, I just can't psych myself out not to. And I have to be sure this is what I want.

I can't believe it's mid-november. I can't believe how long it's been since you've crossed my mind. I don't want to believe that our paths won't cross again. But that's just such a likely option. And one that I hate. So many people have walked in and out of my life. I hate to watch it happen. I don't want to let anyone go. Especially not you. I knew it was right to push you away and I'd like for you to come back if you promise not to take a chokehold on my life again. I think I just really need proof that you're as genuine as you made yourself out to be. As sincere as I let myself believe. Something tells me that I'm false in my assumptions. But I can never tell with you..

keep it on wax.

"I, I guess, the only thing cheap to you is your friends

Now this bridge is ashes
It might as well have never been built
And the river that it crossed
Looks like an ocean now, looks like an ocean now

Times change and people change with them
Some people love to play the victim
You threw caution to the wind
Washed away these few last years for nothing
(Was it all for nothing)
Keep it on wax

Your not the only one
Who's had to make sacrifices

It won't change a goddamn thing"

and it feels so real from the outside, looking in.

Tyrant.

"I'm stained with apathy. I'm blind, but I can see"

my mind is a mess. I am the definition of a scatterbrain right now. I need to eat, sleep, study, work, clean. I just need to breathe. I feel so freaked out by everything, I keep thinking its so much closer to Friday than it actually is. I don't think sleep is a legit option for the next couple of days. I am going to work like a mother fucker. I will get through this. And I will get through it gracefully and greatly. I need a fucking mantra. Why can't it be Friday afternoon already?

old habits die hard.

It's so easy to go back to where I started. It's so easy to set myself up for failure. again. To sleep until oblivion and not do anything about anything. But I can't. I have too much riding on this year. I need to get my ass back in gear. I was doing fine before I got sick. Before I had an excuse to not do anything. It's time to step up.

illness.

I hate being sick. I really hope it's not H1N1. That would really suck. Catching up, when you're already behind is really not fun at all. I just want to feel like a normal human being again. whatever that means. but right now I feel like the living dead.

"in my world everyone is a pony and they all eat rainbows and poop butterflies"

knowing and unknowing.

I wish you could unknow things. But once you know most things, that's it. It will eat away at you until you make a decision about it or do something about it. I have always wanted to do what's best for people. How do you pick between the lesser of two evils? I'm so frustrated that you would put this all on me. The way that everything always is. I should probably learn to stand up for myself and say no to people. But I just can't bring myself to do that. And now this is what it's led to.

nothing else to lose.

Hell week(s) are almost over. Just a few more days to go. Next week is looking a hell of a lot emptier, academic-wise. But all of a sudden it is filled with other things. Monday is lunch with Tobin. Tuesday is bar-night with Vic. Wednesday Jason and Eric are coming to visit. Thursday is date night. Friday is Rokbar. Saturday is Halloween. Holy shit. I have no idea when my days filled themselves up. But it makes me really damn happy. I really just want to sleep right now though and not write a midterm at 2:30.