no sleep.

I know what keeps me up at night. Its the same thing that prohibits me from being productive most of the time. I need to sleep, but I'm anxious. So I don't sleep, because I can't. Then I get anxious about not sleeping. fucking hell. I don't want to work at nine o'clock tomorrow- thanks, though.

I don't know why I subject myself to such torture called nostalgia. I mean, no one is forcing me to re-read anything. But now, every ounce of hurt I felt then has made its way back into my head. I feel wrong for letting it go. I feel like I should say something now. But I don't want to fuck anything up. I don't want to hurt anyone. But it will linger in my head forever, most probably. I can't help but wonder if I was wrong to be so trusting and forgiving. Not that I ever blatantly showed anger or forgiveness proceeding the anger, but I did it all in my head. I need to get out of my head. But that means that I would have to find someplace to put myself and right now there is not really anywhere to do so. And I'm not just saying that because its almost 4 fucking thirty in the morning. It hurts when I think about it, but I can't stop thinking about it. I think I've made a mistake, but I'm not too sure. I know I wasn't wrong for conceding, but I think I was wrong for being stupid enough to forget. Whoever coined the phrase "forgive and forget" was obviously an idiot. Just because I can forgive you, doesn't mean I will let it go. In fact, I will probably hold onto it forever. Another internal debate of speaking or swallowing feelings. I miss the person I was when it wasn't even a question. I would just say what I needed to. But now, I'm scared of everything. After once having my words of fear sadness and loss thrown back at in my face , I think I will second guess every attempt I make to speak up. but I see no other way to make this go away. I can't bring something like that up again though. I feel like in this case I'm meant to just push it all away like I did originally and started with a new blank page. I think I'll just shut my mouth for the time being.

I think I have realized something I have been scared to acknowledge all along. Behind all this anger and frustration is a big heaping pile of hurt. I make a big show of spite and confusion, but I'm scared to admit that it really kills me inside. I don't know why I'm surprised by it anymore. It's happened once before, and it can and will happen again. I just trick myself into believing it won't.