if there's a rocket- tie me to it.

fuck. If there is one single word to describe everything in my head it would be that. It's so wrong. So fucking wrong. I need to control everything in my path. I have to learn to let things into the hands of other people. I NEED TO BREATHE. but I feel too busy to breathe. There's no time in my head. There's no time anywhere. I can feel everyday slipping through my fingers like grains of sand. I just want more. I want everything to fall into place like it used to. I hate making it work. I just can't handle being in my own skin anymore. I need release. And I know just how to get it. But slipping into my old habits won't solve anything. In fact, it would probably double my problems. I should probably stop shaking now.

"we weren't meant to be, we just happened"

WHAT IF IT JUST HAPPENED. FUCK. I can't even think like that. I can't have it all. I know what I truly, deeply want. I don't know why you keep pushing yourself into my mind. I do know why. It's all my fault. I haven't been this jumpy in ages. Its really fucking with me head. so damn much. I repeat the same things over and over, but I don't really give a shit because no one reads this probably. Just goes to show that you always want what you can't and shouldn't have. I just wish I could tell you. I wish I could know for sure. I want to look into the future and know I'm making the right choice. What if I let this pass and it was the biggest mistake. What if there isn't any opportunity for me to take. And I'm just making it up. There are so many what ifs. I just need to KNOW.

You, you of all people, should know by now. How easily I scar. How easily you can draw the tears from my eyes. How easy it is for my to remember those words that slapped me across the face. But now I am realizing that I am better for it. It has made me realize that I must be cautious about where I leave my heart and to take precaution in wearing my heart on my sleeve. It makes me want to shut my mouth. For good. I don't want to close back into the shell I made, but I don't think putting myself out there is a good idea either. I can see myself getting hurt again. And this time, I don't think the wounds will heal as nicely. Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice, shame on ME.

I make the perfect deceptions. Only enough to deceive myself and fuck myself over. fuck fuck fuck fuck. FUCK.