Firewater.

As it draws nearer, I find myself losing my breath. I can't seem to handle this. You have made me delirious with happiness, but I have never been so anxious in my life. I can't focus on anything. Although, I think I would take anxiety over the numbness I've been feeling lately.

I need to get productive. I keep saying that this is going to be my year. This year, I'm going to succeed. But I can't focus on anything for more than ten to fifteen minutes. Sure, I go to class but I drift in and out of an attentive state.

I am so terrified for what's going to happen. I don't know what I want to happen. I think I need to do this. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I just know that what I want to do isn't what I should do, but when it comes down to it, its the only thing I want to do. But it won't solve anything. At all. In fact, it would cause so many more problems that I can't even begin to think of. I am just so scared. The idea of you scares me shitless. I thought I had it all figured out, but I think I was wrong. I am always second guessing myself. I wish you would just let me down, so I could get away from you. But you won't.

I think I want to go back to normal, whatever the fuck that was. I don't know if I was one hundred percent happy, but it was easy. and I think I would settle for that right now. Easy. That is what life is seriously lacking right now. Everything that was easy, isn't anymore. Absolutely everything. Being with him, being with me, friendships, productivity, getting out of bed. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to make everything easier again.