so this brain in my head can forget your face and name.

i can't believe it. how did i know you were going to let me down. I just knew. i knew it. I don't know why i fucking deluded myself into thinking otherwise. I just can't help but feel genuinely so sad and disappointed. I haven't felt so hurt in a long time. I don't know what I was thinking. But whatever it was, i was wrong. I was so so wrong about you. I was wrong about me. I was wrong about this. It was a mistake to plan this in the first place. but yet, i can't shake you. I wanted so bad for you to hurt me so i could let you go. but I can't let you go. What the fuck is wrong with me. I don't even know what to say to you anymore. It's going to take so much strength to pick myself up off of the floor. I can't even handle this now. How did I allow myself to be this vulnerable. The only person I can be mad at right now is myself. and there's nothing I can do about that. I just want to be over it. I want to be over this. MY hands are shaking. my whole body is heaving. I feel like there is some way deeper rooted meaning to this than just you bailing on me. I can't fucking believe it. I just can't. What surprises me more is how hurt I am by it. I really shouldn't give a fuck. but I do. I really do. You were wrong. And I knew it all along. I shouldn't have trusted you. But it's not your fault. I shouldn't have put myself out there to get hurt again. I knew it was a mistake. I should probably stamp out the glimmer of hope that still flickers, because its pretty damn obvious that there's no chances anymore.