I never knew that everything was falling through.

I am trapped. but only within myself. I know because I am seeking refuge in my arctic bedroom. I hate cold. I kind of just drift aimlessly from building to building. Only to surround myself with chatter and anxiety. I am going to put this, whatever this is, to some mode of productivity. I will immerse myself if my work in order to drown out the ringing in my ears. But doing work just reminds me how ready I am for the weekend. I really just need to see him and be with him, because he will restore my sanity. I am pretty sure he is the only one capable. not that anyone else ever tries.

It's coming down to nothing more than apathy

I'd rather run the other way and than see
the smoke and who's still standing in the clear.

commit this to memory

we are going to find a house today.
we have our eye on a certain little one


i think we'll all be crushed if we don't get it.
i'm not hyping myself up for anything.
because the last thing I need to think about right now is another big change.

whispers hello, I miss you quite terribly

he just went home.
all i want is for him to come back.

palms are sweaty, i'm barely listening.

"staring at the asphalt wondering, what's buried underneath"

I feel contemplative. I should be productive. This is no way to start the new year, and definitely the wrong way to start the semester. I feel like i have a lot to contemplate, especially after last night.

sitting for 3 hours with someone you kinda sorta know everything about, but nothing at the same time. He treated me the way a friend should be treated- with honesty, both sweet and brutal. Everything I needed to hear. I needed to hear I mattered to someone. I mean, that sounds stupid because I have Eric, but whatever he says to me is inevitable, what we have is unconditional. But that doesn't mean I need friends to tell me that I matter. I came here with a built-in best friend and an almost perfect relationship waiting for me at home. I did not expect to meet someone who was willing to help pick up the deranged pieces of my shattered sanity. But I did, and I am thankful for it. A lot was said last night, and despite the drunkenness of it all, I can only hope that he meant what he said, because I did 100%. Funny, because when we first met, I was convinced he was a pig. But now I can be sure that his intentions are no where near romantic and we can be honest about everything. To hear that our friendship meant everything was what i needed. To hear from someone else that I am so much more than I think I am. I know he will be around whenever i ask.

It's almost easier when someone falls apart, because that's where I know what to do. I was made to help, and that's what I love. I know she thanked me over and over, but there is no thanks needed. I will always crawl into bed with her and stay until i am sure she is as close to okay as she will be. That's what friends are for.

Anyhow, I am keeping up with some of my resolutions. I am being more honest to myself and on a whole other note, I am going to the gym regularly! I just need to get through tonight, I don't know how I'm going to sleep because I am dying with excitement to see him tomorrow. I know he's making a huge effort to wake up and take the 8 o'clock train over here. He is always willing to take the horrendous commute to visit. It makes me delirious with happiness.

that is all, I must do calculus and watch my soul deteriorate.

-me

tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in

it's weird being back. a part of me feels right at home and the other part wants to go home. i think i'm just not ready to start school again. i have so many little things to do. i can't even get my mind straight. it's time to get a gym membership and use it. i can't even begin to comprehend the amount of money i need to spend in the next two days.

i am so ready for a nap right now.