if there's a rocket- tie me to it.

fuck. If there is one single word to describe everything in my head it would be that. It's so wrong. So fucking wrong. I need to control everything in my path. I have to learn to let things into the hands of other people. I NEED TO BREATHE. but I feel too busy to breathe. There's no time in my head. There's no time anywhere. I can feel everyday slipping through my fingers like grains of sand. I just want more. I want everything to fall into place like it used to. I hate making it work. I just can't handle being in my own skin anymore. I need release. And I know just how to get it. But slipping into my old habits won't solve anything. In fact, it would probably double my problems. I should probably stop shaking now.

"we weren't meant to be, we just happened"

WHAT IF IT JUST HAPPENED. FUCK. I can't even think like that. I can't have it all. I know what I truly, deeply want. I don't know why you keep pushing yourself into my mind. I do know why. It's all my fault. I haven't been this jumpy in ages. Its really fucking with me head. so damn much. I repeat the same things over and over, but I don't really give a shit because no one reads this probably. Just goes to show that you always want what you can't and shouldn't have. I just wish I could tell you. I wish I could know for sure. I want to look into the future and know I'm making the right choice. What if I let this pass and it was the biggest mistake. What if there isn't any opportunity for me to take. And I'm just making it up. There are so many what ifs. I just need to KNOW.

You, you of all people, should know by now. How easily I scar. How easily you can draw the tears from my eyes. How easy it is for my to remember those words that slapped me across the face. But now I am realizing that I am better for it. It has made me realize that I must be cautious about where I leave my heart and to take precaution in wearing my heart on my sleeve. It makes me want to shut my mouth. For good. I don't want to close back into the shell I made, but I don't think putting myself out there is a good idea either. I can see myself getting hurt again. And this time, I don't think the wounds will heal as nicely. Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice, shame on ME.

I make the perfect deceptions. Only enough to deceive myself and fuck myself over. fuck fuck fuck fuck. FUCK.

you looked like you'd been suffering, like you never really loved the pain.

holy shit. Summer, where did you go? How am I supposed to leave my stupid friends that I look to as family. Saying bye to you was a million and a half times harder than I ever thought it would be. You've been my best friend for eight years, give or take. It's weird to see you leaving. As much excitement as I have to go, I am heartbroken. I take my turn hating and loving each of them, but being separated kind of sucks.

I can't believe how far I've taken this. It needs to end. Now. I thought my "self-revelation" post realm of possibility the other night would have ceased this. I was wrong. I know where my heart stays and I know who I want at my side now. And I'm sure of this for the first time in a while. But my head drifts. "I'm not unfaithful, but I'll stray. When I get a little scared" I don't know what possesses me to do the things I do. Fuck. Everything is a jumbled mess and it's all my fault.

sweetness never suits me.

After a wonderful weekend, my thoughts are all jumbled up. Funny, I thought they had straightened themselves out over bottles of wine and vodka rockstars. Guilt is heart-wrenching. And so I'm taking it into my own hands and stopping this now. I sincerely would run to the ends of the earth for him, but I just trip and stumble over everything. I think I know where I belong now. But as per usual, nothing is ever stationary.

mistakes.

I know I brought this upon myself. I will always contemplate what if. And its my own fault. I could have left it with a clean cut and break. But no, I decided to complicate it and drag it on much further than it has to be dragged on. It would've been easier if you had stopped fucking with my mind and just left me alone. But you listened, like no one else had listened. An unbiased opinion that I needed to hear. But definitely not quite what I wanted to hear. Not that I would have done anything if you told me what I think I wanted to hear. I don't know, you're fucking with my head so much and now that I'm gone this was supposed to be done. But I had to mess that up too. I know I haven't done anything wrong and have no intention of doing so. Then why am I feeling so guilty?

I know I take him for granted sometimes, but I will genuinely miss him when I go back. I don't know who'll remind me to be a good person, if not him.

I'm sorry, but I just need my space and sometimes I feel suffocated. I want all the uncertainty in my head to go away, and it probably will come september when I can breathe on my own again. As much as I love having you here to depend on, I need to be strong on my own too.

I've made so many mistakes lately that I'm not sure what to do with myself. But what's done is done. This is probably the most open and real I've been with myself. Sometimes I get lost in the vagueness of my own self and I don't even know what I'm talking about.

it's never gonna give itself up.

HOLY EFFING SHIT. I cannot believe tomorrow is my last day at crappy tire. I am shitting my pants with excitement and really depressed at the same time. I have come to hate that place, but love the people that surround me.

"It's always times like these when I think of you & wonder if you ever think of me. 'Cause everything's so wrong and I don't belong living in your precious memory."

I wonder what would have happened if tonight had gone wrong. Or if today was any different. I wonder who would have been left to stand alone. Something tells me it would have been me. Now I'm left with no mistakes to undo. Just a very large pile of "what if's" I think I can be happy here. For now.

no sleep.

I know what keeps me up at night. Its the same thing that prohibits me from being productive most of the time. I need to sleep, but I'm anxious. So I don't sleep, because I can't. Then I get anxious about not sleeping. fucking hell. I don't want to work at nine o'clock tomorrow- thanks, though.

I don't know why I subject myself to such torture called nostalgia. I mean, no one is forcing me to re-read anything. But now, every ounce of hurt I felt then has made its way back into my head. I feel wrong for letting it go. I feel like I should say something now. But I don't want to fuck anything up. I don't want to hurt anyone. But it will linger in my head forever, most probably. I can't help but wonder if I was wrong to be so trusting and forgiving. Not that I ever blatantly showed anger or forgiveness proceeding the anger, but I did it all in my head. I need to get out of my head. But that means that I would have to find someplace to put myself and right now there is not really anywhere to do so. And I'm not just saying that because its almost 4 fucking thirty in the morning. It hurts when I think about it, but I can't stop thinking about it. I think I've made a mistake, but I'm not too sure. I know I wasn't wrong for conceding, but I think I was wrong for being stupid enough to forget. Whoever coined the phrase "forgive and forget" was obviously an idiot. Just because I can forgive you, doesn't mean I will let it go. In fact, I will probably hold onto it forever. Another internal debate of speaking or swallowing feelings. I miss the person I was when it wasn't even a question. I would just say what I needed to. But now, I'm scared of everything. After once having my words of fear sadness and loss thrown back at in my face , I think I will second guess every attempt I make to speak up. but I see no other way to make this go away. I can't bring something like that up again though. I feel like in this case I'm meant to just push it all away like I did originally and started with a new blank page. I think I'll just shut my mouth for the time being.

I think I have realized something I have been scared to acknowledge all along. Behind all this anger and frustration is a big heaping pile of hurt. I make a big show of spite and confusion, but I'm scared to admit that it really kills me inside. I don't know why I'm surprised by it anymore. It's happened once before, and it can and will happen again. I just trick myself into believing it won't.

legal.

HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY TO MEE.
at 2:50am I felt it was necessary to celebrate my birthday with its own blog entry. Natza is way too absorbed in Harry Potter. Leaving me with no one but my snoring sister and granny-smith my macbook. I'm 19 bitches.

Head & heart are colliding- CHAOTIC.

If uncertainty could kill, I'd most probably be dead. I feel like in my head, I've chosen what is sensible and what makes the most sense. But then why do I wonder if I'm making a mistake. I'm just so scared of making mistakes, because some you can't undo. Then what happens? I find myself being surprised at things that shouldn't surprise me anymore. I second-guess almost everything. I'm surprised that I find myself kind of disappointed to be leaving work so soon. I've sort of built a comfort zone there. And leaving means setting a deadline for making decisions. I am not a decision maker. I don't know what I've built up in my head to be true and false, but I'm pretty sure I'm wrong. I mean, I don't have to be one hundred percent sure all the time, I suppose. Everyone has doubts, or so I like to think. Which isn't to say that no one can ever be sure, but I don't see the price of certainty worth it. Despite this internal debate I run in my head everyday, I already know where my mind and heart will linger. And I know how my life will continue. I just need to assure myself that that's how I'll be happiest.

contentment.

I am happy. I may just be semi-drunkenly blabbering on, but I am happy. I mean, how could I not be right now? A lovely night at Katti's with the idiots that I am proud to call my friends. I have a wonderful ROM date with my beast of a boy. And then the flea market date with matthew, the long lost best friend and then more drunken shenanigans Saturday night with the wonderful amigos. I think its the little bit of alcohol in me speaking, but I am loving life tight nowww. Althought I'm pretty sure that its tahnks to the liquior that entered my system not too long ago, but I am happy.

I'm not sorry, there's nothing to say.

I wonder. I wonder a lot of things. I create scenarios in my head of how I would like my life to span out. I feel like I put too much faith in karma. And that one day people will be put in their place. I know too well what it's like to keep your mouth shut. I sometimes feel like an outsider standing and watching my life pass me by. I want to know what it feels like to be completely selfish. I will always live my life putting my own needs and wants on the back burner. I don't understand succumbing to what would seem like a blissful life of secluding oneself in their own needs and wants. Lately, I find myself in this strange middle ground of being so unsure of everything around me. But I know that I would not trade that feeling if certainty meant leaving it all behind me.

I am anxious. For once, in a good way. The feeling of being on edge has always made me very unproductive. I am going to trade the adrenaline that pumps through me for an energy to get stuff done. Instead of letting it take me over. I am bigger than this. I feel ready to take on another year of stress in the form of academics. I will conquer the beast, I think.

On a side note: I fucking love cyanide and happiness.

I love you, however.

I know its barely Tuesday, but it technically is and I'm bored.

Tuesday Confessionals:
+ I like to randomly doodle. a lot.

+ We spent waay too much money at IKEA on Sunday but I am thoroughly pleased with the appearance of my bedroom

+ This summer was not at all what I expected.

+ I have a love/hate relationship with lined paper

+ I regret every friendship that ever ended wrongly. Especially ones that I could have prevented from ending to begin with.

+ I place a lot of faith in Karma and that people will eventually get what's coming to them.

+ "If you let me have my way, I swear I'll tear you apart"

+ I can explain everything I'm feeling and thinking through other people's words, but never in my own.