forget your name, forget your fear.

I don't know how I even allow myself to be hurt by you anymore. You make me so angry. I almost want to turn on my heel and book it out the door. I could never hurt you like that though. Every little thing that I used to be able to look past is bothering me. And I'm scared. I'm scared that this might not be it anymore. I'm scared that I keep making excuses not to go or to go. I'm not even sure anymore. I hate this. I hate how hard everything has become. Especially things that used to be so simple. I hate that I have no idea. Of anything. I hate that I have no more reason to come back. I hate that I shouldn't have used that as a reason to begin with. I hate that I can't be okay when I get stuck in my own head. I hate you for this. I hate him for this. I hate that the only person I have any right to hate right now is myself.

Nothing is right anymore. I'm can't believe I caved in. I knew this was going to be hard, but I thought I could do it. The allure of finding you right now is so appealing. I can't believe how bad I want it. And all of that makes me realize how guilty I feel. How do I even have the right to be mad or upset when I am causing so much pain on my own.

you've got growing up to do.

"I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away."

I knew this was going to difficult, if not impossible. fuck.

the hardest part.

"The best thing I could give to you,
is for me to go.
Leave you alone."

I will force myself to do this. I will leave you behind. And now I'm pushing this into your hands. I am scared of the outcome and even more scared of how I'll feel about the eventual outcome.

breathe.

holy crap. I really need to stop and take a breather. I'm like freaking out about nothing. Or something that I don't know is true yet. I don't even know why this really bugs me. It just does. and it's make me go nuts in my own head. Fuck. as if I really needed another distraction.

rewind.

Let's go back. To before I decided to go psycho-bitch on you. When the walls were just starting to crumble. When I was happy in my lost-middle state. Before you took the control into your hands and decided to hurt me. It's funny because I always seem to put all the blame on you. But it's really only me that's hurting myself. It was really all my own fault for letting my head and heart become so vulnerable to you. Can we go back to the point where you were genuinely careful of me? when conversation wasn't forced. And we weren't holding onto fragments of nothing. It's been mere months, but it honestly feels so long. Although whenever I decide to let you go, here you are forcing pieces of conversation to make it back into my head and life. It's almost as if you're holding on as hard as I am. But I won't convince myself of that anymore. The only thing I need to convince myself of is that letting you go will be the best decision I will ever make. I just need to make it.

I will push past this. and you.

photoshop is always soothing.

I can picture your face well.

I want to pinpoint the certain time and date when I spiraled into this. I want to figure out why I allowed myself to let it get to the point that it's at right now. I can't think about this or you anymore it hurts too much. But when I turn my mind to what I should be focusing on, I find myself equally hurt and so lost. I don't know how to take all this anxious energy and put it into productivity potential. It's really what I need to do. I don't know why you think it's fun to build me up only to watch me fall. hard. I wish I could function normally.

afterall.

After all that. After all the self-revelations. After all the embarrassment and the failed attempts. After reaching out for nothing, or maybe something. After losing, gaining. After forgiving, forgetting, letting it go. After hurting and being hurt.

I am right back where I started off
and running out of places to go.

fuck, how did it even get to this.

start from square one.

As happy as I am that it's all water under the bridge now, I realize that I'm starting right from where I left off. With no conclusions, no definite answers. A whole lot of maybes and even more uncertainties. Anxiety is reaching an all time high and I feel like I've reached an all time low.

wrong.

I'm trying really hard. I swear I am. I'm trying to put all this restlessness into legit work. I need to do something, but I can't focus on anything. I'm pretty pissed at myself still. I can't believe how idiotically I have been behaving lately. I keep replaying the scenario over and over in my head and nothing seems to make sense. I am still shaking with hurt. And no one to blame but me. I know. I don't know how I let it get this far. I don't know why I took it to this level. I thought I knew what I wanted. Apparently I was wrong. I am wrong about everything.

so this brain in my head can forget your face and name.

i can't believe it. how did i know you were going to let me down. I just knew. i knew it. I don't know why i fucking deluded myself into thinking otherwise. I just can't help but feel genuinely so sad and disappointed. I haven't felt so hurt in a long time. I don't know what I was thinking. But whatever it was, i was wrong. I was so so wrong about you. I was wrong about me. I was wrong about this. It was a mistake to plan this in the first place. but yet, i can't shake you. I wanted so bad for you to hurt me so i could let you go. but I can't let you go. What the fuck is wrong with me. I don't even know what to say to you anymore. It's going to take so much strength to pick myself up off of the floor. I can't even handle this now. How did I allow myself to be this vulnerable. The only person I can be mad at right now is myself. and there's nothing I can do about that. I just want to be over it. I want to be over this. MY hands are shaking. my whole body is heaving. I feel like there is some way deeper rooted meaning to this than just you bailing on me. I can't fucking believe it. I just can't. What surprises me more is how hurt I am by it. I really shouldn't give a fuck. but I do. I really do. You were wrong. And I knew it all along. I shouldn't have trusted you. But it's not your fault. I shouldn't have put myself out there to get hurt again. I knew it was a mistake. I should probably stamp out the glimmer of hope that still flickers, because its pretty damn obvious that there's no chances anymore.

death.

I feel like death. I think last night was a bad call on a few levels. Holy shit, I am shitting my pants in nervousness for today. I should probably try to stop shaking, have a shower and pull my shit together. My room and clothes smell unfamiliar. It's making me anxious.

Great Expectations.

I realize now why I get so easily hurt. I hold people to these expectations that they don't ever live up to. I put everyone and their thoughts and intentions on a pedestal. And I am shocked and appalled when I find out that my beliefs were false. I didn't think I ever asked for too much. But I'm supposing that I did. Because if I didn't, it wouldn't be so easy to let me down. I need to stop expecting things from anyone or anything. Then I won't be disappointed anymore.

Firewater.

As it draws nearer, I find myself losing my breath. I can't seem to handle this. You have made me delirious with happiness, but I have never been so anxious in my life. I can't focus on anything. Although, I think I would take anxiety over the numbness I've been feeling lately.

I need to get productive. I keep saying that this is going to be my year. This year, I'm going to succeed. But I can't focus on anything for more than ten to fifteen minutes. Sure, I go to class but I drift in and out of an attentive state.

I am so terrified for what's going to happen. I don't know what I want to happen. I think I need to do this. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I just know that what I want to do isn't what I should do, but when it comes down to it, its the only thing I want to do. But it won't solve anything. At all. In fact, it would cause so many more problems that I can't even begin to think of. I am just so scared. The idea of you scares me shitless. I thought I had it all figured out, but I think I was wrong. I am always second guessing myself. I wish you would just let me down, so I could get away from you. But you won't.

I think I want to go back to normal, whatever the fuck that was. I don't know if I was one hundred percent happy, but it was easy. and I think I would settle for that right now. Easy. That is what life is seriously lacking right now. Everything that was easy, isn't anymore. Absolutely everything. Being with him, being with me, friendships, productivity, getting out of bed. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to make everything easier again.

Note to self:

Take it easy. Breathe. Stop. Relax. Tone it down. Keep it to yourself. Fight it hard. Because you're not going anywhere, anyways.

all you ever wanted.

"don't want to reach for me do you, I mean nothing to you. The little things give you away"

I really need to let you go. And drop you to the ground. It's funny because you're the only thing standing in the way of my happiness, yet you always seem to bring a smile to my face. I don't get it. I don't try to get it anymore. I'm just trying to deal with it.

My tongue still misbehaves.

My head is clear and my heart is open.
For the first time in a while I can breathe.

I don't know what's going to happen this week. I don't now how this "space" thing is going to work. Or if it will help. I'm pretty sure nothing's going to change unless we take a bigger leap. But I'm not ready for that, and I'm not sure I even want that. Despite all of it, I'm still so unsure. But I know now what I would lose and I don't think I'm okay with hurting myself like that.

Being honest has brought a huge weight off my chest. and a hell of a lot more confusion in my head.

keeping busy.

I think my business has led me to not feel anything real the past two days. and now its hit me. I am surprised that this is the first time I've cried since i've been here. but I think I'm crying for all the wrong reasons. I don't feel the gut-wrenching pain I did when I left last year. I don't hurt with every ounce of my being. Is this growing up? Something tells me that it's not and that there's something else on my brain. I love him, I don't have to convince myself of that. I just want this to be simpler. I don't want to give anything up. anything. Even though I'm supposed to. But I won't let go of anything I hold. No matter what I let go of, I'm going to get hurt. And possibly hurt someone else. I can't bear the thought of that right now. I think I'm making everything out to be much more difficult and complicated than it is. I have blogged three times in the course of 24 hours. I think I have a problem.

wishes.

I wish I could somehow keep both of you. But that would not be fair to anyone. Not even me. The charade will bore me soon, I hope. I think I was wrong about what I said this morning. I'm seeing you next friday. And I don't know if this is going to be a good or bad thing yet. We'll see I guess. I'm mad about how not in my control this is.

weakness, weakness at the thought of how you're gonna play.

How long should I stay?

Vodka and I are no longer friends, I don't think. I can't believe my own stupidity. Why would that ever be a good idea? Somehow my legs don't function now and I can barely stand. I awoke this morning more tired than I've ever been in my life and full of questions. Questions that are gaining answers that I never wanted to hear or admit to myself. I miss you more than ever. Come home to me please. It's clear what I want, but I have one huge obstruction in the way of it. One that I can't seem to shake and that has a lot more power over me than I originally thought. I was wrong to let it slip out of my hands. I need to regain control over the situation. But how do you control what you feel, what you think. I just can't stay in the limbo anymore. I need to assert what I want and need to do. I need to re-create my image of you. One that is not so high on a pedestal. I mean, we have our moments and they are beautiful. But I can't just relive those moments over and over to make them a reality. I need to realize that you're not what I want, because you would just hurt me over and over. Which is something I wouldn't be able to handle right now. I don't know what my intentions were last night, but they did not transpire well.

"I can always trust as much as you deceive"

I was wrong to trust you. You were wrong to say that I could. You read me like a book and told me everything I needed, but I was wrong. I don't think you could care the way you say you could. I think when the reality of what a mess I am hits you in the face you'd run the opposite direction as fast as possible. There's nothing I can do, but accept that. It's not something that I want to face as true, but it is the truth. I need to let you go so that I can bring my focus back onto what is important and what has been important all these years. but there's still so much of me hanging on to you, that I don't know how to let go without hurting myself too.

I want out of this tangled mess I created. I want to see you. I can't see you. I shouldn't see you. But yet, I'm somehow happy in despite all the madness. I don't have to turn it into something huge, if I don't want to. I can let it linger at this harmless level. But something tells me, I'm supposed to cut it off completely. But what if I don't want to.