knowing and unknowing.

I wish you could unknow things. But once you know most things, that's it. It will eat away at you until you make a decision about it or do something about it. I have always wanted to do what's best for people. How do you pick between the lesser of two evils? I'm so frustrated that you would put this all on me. The way that everything always is. I should probably learn to stand up for myself and say no to people. But I just can't bring myself to do that. And now this is what it's led to.

nothing else to lose.

Hell week(s) are almost over. Just a few more days to go. Next week is looking a hell of a lot emptier, academic-wise. But all of a sudden it is filled with other things. Monday is lunch with Tobin. Tuesday is bar-night with Vic. Wednesday Jason and Eric are coming to visit. Thursday is date night. Friday is Rokbar. Saturday is Halloween. Holy shit. I have no idea when my days filled themselves up. But it makes me really damn happy. I really just want to sleep right now though and not write a midterm at 2:30.

Just overwhelm me.

It's time to start again. At least, I fucking hope so. Everyone deserves a second chance, right? I hope I didn't fuck mine up. And I wonder how many I still have left to give. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice..

I am so damn frustrated with you. I'm not sure what you want me to do. All those promises about this being different, about this year being change. I don't know why I was deluded into believing you. I'm still struggling to give you the benefit of the doubt, but you're making it very very difficult for me. I wonder what would happen if you knew how much you hurt me. I wish you would just admit that your care for me is only fractional to mine for you.

I still have so much to get through. This fight isn't over yet. I don't think sleep is going to be a legitimate option this week. I have yet so much to do. And not enough time to do it. As per usual.

Here I am without you.

"too much time, too long defending"

I have wasted so much effort, thoughts and tears over you. I am finally fed up. It took you ignoring me to make me realize how much I don't need you. I'm just glad that it was you who broke and not me. Because now I can see that I am stronger than this. How fitting. Today is the perfect time to start fresh.

I really hope this isn't just wishful thinking on my end, because I really want need to let you go.

I am the only one standing in the way of my own happiness.

stressed.

Stress eats away at your soul, I've decided. It doesn't help that a certain someone is clawing at my head too. Why can't I just concentrate? I mean, I have so much fear of the upcoming two months. Yet I can't seem to put any of that fear to good use.

Thankful.

"so caught up in ourselves, we take when we should give."


Today is thanksgiving. So I'm going to do just that. No matter how lame it comes out, the thanks that need to be given have been long deserved. 


I am thankful for my family. Who in their own strange asian ways are the most supportive they know how to be. For Amanda, Titzy and Karina because they save my sanity over and over again when I'm literally hanging on the edge. I'm thankful for all the friends at home. Most of them have been my comfort and support for years now, and they still put up with my craziness and ridiculous ways. For everyone at Mac because they've given me a home away from home. Especially thankful for 108 Barclay, Chris and Pat. And obviously, him. I have never been so lucky to have anyone in my life as awesome as he is. No one else is careful and mindful of me the way he is. Especially because most of the time I don't even deserve it. 


I'm thankful for stupid things that no one ever thinks about. The roof over my head, the clothes on my back, the education I'm allowed to have. 


I'm even thankful for my demons. Because without them, I would never be able to grow to be stronger. Especially one in particular. I'm thankful for you. You have both brightened my life and made it hell, but in the end I learned a lot about myself that I don't think I would have any other way. And you still cling to my head and claw at my thoughts, but I will let you go. I'm sure of it. 


"It's up to us to be the change. And even though we all can still do more. There's so much to be thankful for."

your most obvious weakness.

Is this really what you wanted? If you look back at when you made your decisions, were you sure? I wish it was so simple. That there was some sort of undo button. That if you make a mistake, you could just undo it. I know your mind frame has shifted and I'd prefer for it to shift back. But I don't think that it can now. No matter how hard I try. And I guess the best thing for me to do is to let go and stop trying at all.

insomnia.

I can't sleep. I haven't been able to sleep. It's like there's this dark cloud of awake-ness looming over my head. It's absolutely horrible. And everyday is the same, I run on a hell of a lot of caffeine. I don't know why I can't function like a normal human being should. But it's really becoming a problem.

If I had to pick one word to describe how I'm currently feeling it would be apathetic. I just can't seem to feel anything. Other than overwhelming stress and fear. I think if I don't think about it, it doesn't have to bother me. Because when I start to consider what's really going on here, I want to scream. I think I need to breakdown. I'm not sure I even know how anymore.

withered through autumn.

I don't know why I won't allow myself to be okay with this. I think it's pretty obvious that I'd be way better off without you. It's pretty easy to see that you have done way more harm than good. Then why is it so hard to sever all ties? Why do I search for things to tell you. She was right when she said that you're not even a person anymore, you've sort of become a figment of my imagination. But more so in a way that I've built you up as a completely different person than you probably are.

I am really not ready for this long weekend. A long weekend at home means facing a lot of things that I don't think I have patience for. Not to mention I don't get anything done at home, ever. I can't just take 4 days out of my life to not do anything. I have so much to accomplish by the end of the month.

I am scared to death of the next couple of weeks.

I wish I could just sleep for the rest of the week. I am so tired and still so much to do.

let me go.

All this time I'm the one trying to let you go. Maybe you're the one who has to let ME go. Apparently, you won't be left behind.

"Out of sight, out of mind"

how I wish it was that simple.

I miss you, terribly. For the first time in a while. As much as it hurts, it makes me really happy.

Brand New Day.

Waking up with purpose to start fresh. It's time to let go of my demons, I've let them hold me back for much too long now. I know that giving you up is giving up that part of me that's still holding on to you. But I know now that it needs to be done. I know I've said it time and time again. And over and over. I'm just really hoping that I'm going to mean it this time. Because this is something I really need right now. And I don't think I should deny myself that any longer.

But as always, we'll see how this goes.

closer.

I realize now that I've been contemplating making the worst decision in my life for someone I don't even know. The sad thing is, this doesn't bring me to stop. It only makes me want to get to you know a little bit more and a little bit more. It's like i HAVE to know that I'm wrong about you before I can make any decisions. But you won't give me the chance. I don't know why it was ever a good idea to open myself up to you when clearly you weren't ready to do the same.

Being here is stressful. I want to go back a couple weeks to when I didn't have any legit work to do. And I was just living as I pleased. Coming and going when I wanted with nothing else to worry or care about.

The conversations in my head go back and forth constantly. I need to make a decision and stick to it.

I am still in disbelief. I don't want to believe it. I am re-living it over and over in my head. But everything was so wrong, but it was the most right I've felt with you. ever. but you lied. about everything. and here I thought I was the one with the dishonest face.