swallowed in the sea.

you put me on a shelf & kept me to yourself

I can only blame myself

you can only blame me.

...

& I could write it down and spread it all around.

get lost and then get found or swallowed in the sea.

you put me on a line & hung me out to dry

and darling that's when I decided to go and see you.

you cut me down to size and opened up my eyes

made me realize what I could not see.

How could I not have learned my lesson the first million times? How could I have thought it would've been okay?

I don't need to forgive you, I need to forgive myself. For letting myself believe in you again and again. I need to forgive myself for pretending and making it seem like this was going to make me happy. It's only myself that brought upon my own torment. I don't know what I was thinking. But how can I forgive myself when the memory of you taunts me day in and day out. I will deal with this. I will get over this.

yeah, right. That's what I said the first million times.

your best kept secret.

I'm not sure if this is even remotely a good idea. I have no idea what I'm getting into. But I'm getting into it. And I guess we'll take it from there. I thought so badly that this was what I wanted. But now that I have it, I can' make up my mind if it's what I wanted. I'm looking for closure. and I hope that's what I come out with.

Without you.

I thought being back without you would be better- easier, even. I was wrong. Every corner I turn, I think of you. I can't help but see you everywhere. It's driving me insane. It makes me miss you in the worst of ways. You were so good at making everything less difficult and keeping me distracted. When someone rounds the aisle, I'm expecting to see you there. It was almost lonely, despite the rush of last-minute shoppers, without you there. I wish you were there. I guess I always half-expected that I'd be coming back to you this holiday season and that you'd remember how much you swore you missed me. But it's all so wrong and I deserve to be this devastated by your absence. Maybe, here without you, I can focus on what I've got going on in front of me.

I am so thankful for you. How dare you be so far from me right now. I am so happy that despite all the odds, we are friends. please come back from windsor and tell me stupid things to make me smile.

apathetic.

numb. and freezing cold. I would give anything to feel something right now. anything, really. I'm so fed up with this insomniac bullshit. how the fuck am I supposed to get back into the synchrony of working? it involves sleeping normally and waking up to function normally.

I'm just happy to be home. There are so many people here that I need to seek refuge in. Thankfully, I will be seeing most of them tomorrow. and hopefully the rest sometime soon.

let me down.

time and time again. I'm just happy to know that it's not just me. I think. I don't know why I let myself hold my expectations so damn high. I don't know why I put myself out there only to get put down over and over. But time and time again it happens. and time and time again I allow it to. I'm not the type of girl who learns from my mistakes. I'm the type of girl who makes them over and over again. The same ones, too. I like to give you the benefit of the doubt. I don't dole out second chances. I give fifth, sixth, tenth chances. So maybe I'm the selfish one. Trying to hoard all of your good intentions. But whatever, I'm okay with that. And if being selfish means that I want a little bit of your time, so be it. It's because you keep giving me reason to want it. And so I'll continue to put myself out there on a regular basis so long as you give me reason to. Even if it's a mistake. Even if the only person who gets let down in the end is me. I need this as much as you used to claim you did.

on a completely unrelated note, I am disgustingly obsessed with GLEE. this was a very inappropriate time to get addicted to a TV show..

Hard hearted, don't worry I'm ready for a fight.

What in the fuck was I thinking? It's been days. It's been weeks. It's been MONTHS. how many people am I will to destroy before I get there? what is wrong with me. I put on a front, but I'm really not at all who you think I am.

"quit fooling yourself like that, I think you're a lot stronger than you think you are"

"you can trust me, I know it's hard for you but I'm just saying that you can"

"you cannot be replaced. If in fact, they were real they would only amount to a mirage of all that is good and yet to come. I would never be happy"

HAHAHA. what a fucking lie. why does it still bother me? I really shouldn't give a fuck anymore.

Yet for some sick reason, that is beyond me, I do. I really do.

oh and I'm feeling directionless

"yes, but that's to be expected and I know that best."
I open this almost everyday, and I always find that I have nothing to say.
Well, I always think that I do, but the things in my head never seem to sort itself out long enough to make sense.
Nothing is ever as eloquent as it is in my head.

consumed.

I have been swallowed whole.

I am an emotional wreck.

Why did you have to leave so soon?

I needed you then.

but I know where your priorities lie.

I shouldn't be surprised anymore.

but what can I say?

I am starving for human contact that means something.

tomorrow couldn't come any faster.

back to you.

Last night I came to an ugly realization. I realized that it always comes back to you. Whether it comes back in a romantic way or just in the way that I want you back in my life. For a while, at least. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to take from this. It's funny when I look back on all the pretty lies you told me. Who knew that they would haunt me. But what am I supposed to do? I can't cut out the good part of our relationship and loop it over and over. I don't know if we're supposed to see each other again. But I think that's what I want. I don't know why. I guess, I just never got closure. This is honestly driving me nuts. I can go hours, days, weeks, without thinking about you. But the minute you creep back into my head it's like you've made a permanent place to stay. I can't handle that anymore. But I don't know how to get the image of you out of my mind.