I need the smell of summer; I need its noises in my ear.

Another unproductive day. Actually, it was pretty productive. But not at all in the way it should've been. I downloaded a million and half photoshop brushes and then wasted away on photoshop. I now have a separate blog for my "photoshop secrets" and my random time waster "art". CLICK HERE TO VIEW IT!

It is Tuesday though.

Tuesday Confessionals:
+ I have about $17 on my meal plan, its embarrassing
+ I was actually really excited about the fact that I was able to order an alcoholic beverage last night, which makes me a big nerd- I am aware
+ I have an exam in less than two weeks that I have not cracked a book open for
+ I have really given up on school right now, I just want to pass everything and be done
+ I really need to get motivated again
+ I am constantly trying to figure people out, even people I don't know

that's all.

Post Script.

I can't handle this. I am going to break. I want to scream. I want to throw it back in your face. I will not let you get the worst of me.

Tuesday Confessionals.

I promised bex I would do this. So here it is, my tuesday confessionals.

+ I like markers. Especially really colourful ones.

+ I chew fruit flavoured gum to prevent myself from eating an actual dessert after a meal.

+ I hate group projects, because when it comes to them I am a control freak.

+ I brush my teeth in the shower.

+ I am irrationally afraid of fire and bridges.

Anyways, exams have never seemed so appealing to me. I'm pretty much sick. I'm dizzy and cold all the time, but I don't have time to sit and recover. I have so much shit to do. I am so stoked for summer.
That is all.

I swear it's you that my heart beats for.

"You never have to be alone, I promise."
I realize that I have already posted today. but what better things do I have to do? Oh yes, a psych paper due tomorrow. How can I be expected to make sense elegantly and intellectually when I feel like I can't even phrase a simple sentence.
If you're looking for me, I haven't really gone anywhere. I'm just waiting around. I spend too much time waiting. I just wish I could know that there's some part reaching for me still.
For the first time since i've moved here, I feel homesick. I want to be at home. I am so much safer there. I miss him. And oddly enough, I just miss home. I remember on move-in when I wasn't even a little bit phased when my family left, but I nearly lost it when he and nitz left. I want that back. My after school, snacking unhealthily til we die neighbor. I want him to come back too.
I want this week over and it's barely even begun.

Bittersweet Poetry.

"I think I'm moving, but I'm going nowhere.
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared."
I can feel myself getting sick. It is awful, I have way too much to do- I can't afford time to get better. I am constantly thinking, but my thoughts aren't even coherent. It's not like they're circling, or analyzing. They are just randomly darting around. I need to get this done.
I am just really frustrated beyond belief. I want to say I'm better for it, but I don't even know that for a fact. I feel like all that's left is animosity towards it. Almost blind rage, but maybe just blinding from what's really lurking underneath.
The fact that I swallowed all my fear and I let change take over less than seven months ago, I thought was enough. Now, that I have built up my comfort zone here, I have to prepare once again for it to be stripped away. Not really knowing if my former one is even in existence.
I wish that there was some way to get everything in my head down. I want to make this a regular, daily occurrence.
I can only hope.

wait, they don't love you like I love you.

I just am bursting. Out of my own skin. I am frustrated, aggravated. I just want to let it go. I'm scared to know what I'll be left with if I do. I need school done. Three weeks until exams never sounded so wonderful. I am scared for everything around me. I don't even know how to talk about how I feel. My thoughts are fragments. Incomplete. I need something, someone, to keep me grounded. I have laid out everything only to have to pick up my own pieces from the floor. I want to be comfortable. I want change. But not actually, I want to change back into what was. I really am just ready for the weekend. I want to sleep for eternity.

Cling to the mast. Spend your whole life living in the past. Going nowhere fast.

I really just need to be productive.

you give up your soul til you break down.

I am lost. I can feel my impending doom coming slowly, inching closer. There is no amount of fear instilled in me to make myself pick up the pieces and do something productive. There is no motivation. Not even enough to get out of bed. Ever. I need, so much, for him to just come back. I am only sane with you. Because you have kept me safe.

Everything I thought I could put pieces of myself into, has shattered. I am a mess of anxiety hidden behind a mirror of pretending. I make the best deceptions, at times enough to deceive myself.