swallowed in the sea.

you put me on a shelf & kept me to yourself

I can only blame myself

you can only blame me.

...

& I could write it down and spread it all around.

get lost and then get found or swallowed in the sea.

you put me on a line & hung me out to dry

and darling that's when I decided to go and see you.

you cut me down to size and opened up my eyes

made me realize what I could not see.

How could I not have learned my lesson the first million times? How could I have thought it would've been okay?

I don't need to forgive you, I need to forgive myself. For letting myself believe in you again and again. I need to forgive myself for pretending and making it seem like this was going to make me happy. It's only myself that brought upon my own torment. I don't know what I was thinking. But how can I forgive myself when the memory of you taunts me day in and day out. I will deal with this. I will get over this.

yeah, right. That's what I said the first million times.

your best kept secret.

I'm not sure if this is even remotely a good idea. I have no idea what I'm getting into. But I'm getting into it. And I guess we'll take it from there. I thought so badly that this was what I wanted. But now that I have it, I can' make up my mind if it's what I wanted. I'm looking for closure. and I hope that's what I come out with.

Without you.

I thought being back without you would be better- easier, even. I was wrong. Every corner I turn, I think of you. I can't help but see you everywhere. It's driving me insane. It makes me miss you in the worst of ways. You were so good at making everything less difficult and keeping me distracted. When someone rounds the aisle, I'm expecting to see you there. It was almost lonely, despite the rush of last-minute shoppers, without you there. I wish you were there. I guess I always half-expected that I'd be coming back to you this holiday season and that you'd remember how much you swore you missed me. But it's all so wrong and I deserve to be this devastated by your absence. Maybe, here without you, I can focus on what I've got going on in front of me.

I am so thankful for you. How dare you be so far from me right now. I am so happy that despite all the odds, we are friends. please come back from windsor and tell me stupid things to make me smile.

apathetic.

numb. and freezing cold. I would give anything to feel something right now. anything, really. I'm so fed up with this insomniac bullshit. how the fuck am I supposed to get back into the synchrony of working? it involves sleeping normally and waking up to function normally.

I'm just happy to be home. There are so many people here that I need to seek refuge in. Thankfully, I will be seeing most of them tomorrow. and hopefully the rest sometime soon.

let me down.

time and time again. I'm just happy to know that it's not just me. I think. I don't know why I let myself hold my expectations so damn high. I don't know why I put myself out there only to get put down over and over. But time and time again it happens. and time and time again I allow it to. I'm not the type of girl who learns from my mistakes. I'm the type of girl who makes them over and over again. The same ones, too. I like to give you the benefit of the doubt. I don't dole out second chances. I give fifth, sixth, tenth chances. So maybe I'm the selfish one. Trying to hoard all of your good intentions. But whatever, I'm okay with that. And if being selfish means that I want a little bit of your time, so be it. It's because you keep giving me reason to want it. And so I'll continue to put myself out there on a regular basis so long as you give me reason to. Even if it's a mistake. Even if the only person who gets let down in the end is me. I need this as much as you used to claim you did.

on a completely unrelated note, I am disgustingly obsessed with GLEE. this was a very inappropriate time to get addicted to a TV show..

Hard hearted, don't worry I'm ready for a fight.

What in the fuck was I thinking? It's been days. It's been weeks. It's been MONTHS. how many people am I will to destroy before I get there? what is wrong with me. I put on a front, but I'm really not at all who you think I am.

"quit fooling yourself like that, I think you're a lot stronger than you think you are"

"you can trust me, I know it's hard for you but I'm just saying that you can"

"you cannot be replaced. If in fact, they were real they would only amount to a mirage of all that is good and yet to come. I would never be happy"

HAHAHA. what a fucking lie. why does it still bother me? I really shouldn't give a fuck anymore.

Yet for some sick reason, that is beyond me, I do. I really do.

oh and I'm feeling directionless

"yes, but that's to be expected and I know that best."
I open this almost everyday, and I always find that I have nothing to say.
Well, I always think that I do, but the things in my head never seem to sort itself out long enough to make sense.
Nothing is ever as eloquent as it is in my head.

consumed.

I have been swallowed whole.

I am an emotional wreck.

Why did you have to leave so soon?

I needed you then.

but I know where your priorities lie.

I shouldn't be surprised anymore.

but what can I say?

I am starving for human contact that means something.

tomorrow couldn't come any faster.

back to you.

Last night I came to an ugly realization. I realized that it always comes back to you. Whether it comes back in a romantic way or just in the way that I want you back in my life. For a while, at least. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to take from this. It's funny when I look back on all the pretty lies you told me. Who knew that they would haunt me. But what am I supposed to do? I can't cut out the good part of our relationship and loop it over and over. I don't know if we're supposed to see each other again. But I think that's what I want. I don't know why. I guess, I just never got closure. This is honestly driving me nuts. I can go hours, days, weeks, without thinking about you. But the minute you creep back into my head it's like you've made a permanent place to stay. I can't handle that anymore. But I don't know how to get the image of you out of my mind.

"The greatest love story ever told is your own"

rules.

Ten Rules for Being Human
by Cherie Carter-Scott
1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it’s yours to keep for the entire period.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, “life.”
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately “work.”
4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There’s no part of life that doesn’t contain its lessons. If you’re alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.
6. “There” is no better a place than “here.” When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will again look better than “here.”
7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life’s questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.

time and time again.

this too, shall pass.
I know it will. Because no matter how far I fall, there will always be something, someone to pull me out.

& when I really think about it, I'm so lucky

Academic Advising.

I am officially scared shitless for not just the next 2 years of my life, but the next 7 or so. I knew that this is what I wanted from the start. The last thing that I am is a quitter. I will prevail and I will get what I want and came here to do. I just didn't realize what that meant. I'm glad I know though. Asking questions and putting yourself out there is the only way to succeed. How can you expect to be put up on that pedestal if no one even knows who you are, or can't even recognize your face. I can do this, I just can't psych myself out not to. And I have to be sure this is what I want.

I can't believe it's mid-november. I can't believe how long it's been since you've crossed my mind. I don't want to believe that our paths won't cross again. But that's just such a likely option. And one that I hate. So many people have walked in and out of my life. I hate to watch it happen. I don't want to let anyone go. Especially not you. I knew it was right to push you away and I'd like for you to come back if you promise not to take a chokehold on my life again. I think I just really need proof that you're as genuine as you made yourself out to be. As sincere as I let myself believe. Something tells me that I'm false in my assumptions. But I can never tell with you..

keep it on wax.

"I, I guess, the only thing cheap to you is your friends

Now this bridge is ashes
It might as well have never been built
And the river that it crossed
Looks like an ocean now, looks like an ocean now

Times change and people change with them
Some people love to play the victim
You threw caution to the wind
Washed away these few last years for nothing
(Was it all for nothing)
Keep it on wax

Your not the only one
Who's had to make sacrifices

It won't change a goddamn thing"

and it feels so real from the outside, looking in.

Tyrant.

"I'm stained with apathy. I'm blind, but I can see"

my mind is a mess. I am the definition of a scatterbrain right now. I need to eat, sleep, study, work, clean. I just need to breathe. I feel so freaked out by everything, I keep thinking its so much closer to Friday than it actually is. I don't think sleep is a legit option for the next couple of days. I am going to work like a mother fucker. I will get through this. And I will get through it gracefully and greatly. I need a fucking mantra. Why can't it be Friday afternoon already?

old habits die hard.

It's so easy to go back to where I started. It's so easy to set myself up for failure. again. To sleep until oblivion and not do anything about anything. But I can't. I have too much riding on this year. I need to get my ass back in gear. I was doing fine before I got sick. Before I had an excuse to not do anything. It's time to step up.

illness.

I hate being sick. I really hope it's not H1N1. That would really suck. Catching up, when you're already behind is really not fun at all. I just want to feel like a normal human being again. whatever that means. but right now I feel like the living dead.

"in my world everyone is a pony and they all eat rainbows and poop butterflies"

knowing and unknowing.

I wish you could unknow things. But once you know most things, that's it. It will eat away at you until you make a decision about it or do something about it. I have always wanted to do what's best for people. How do you pick between the lesser of two evils? I'm so frustrated that you would put this all on me. The way that everything always is. I should probably learn to stand up for myself and say no to people. But I just can't bring myself to do that. And now this is what it's led to.

nothing else to lose.

Hell week(s) are almost over. Just a few more days to go. Next week is looking a hell of a lot emptier, academic-wise. But all of a sudden it is filled with other things. Monday is lunch with Tobin. Tuesday is bar-night with Vic. Wednesday Jason and Eric are coming to visit. Thursday is date night. Friday is Rokbar. Saturday is Halloween. Holy shit. I have no idea when my days filled themselves up. But it makes me really damn happy. I really just want to sleep right now though and not write a midterm at 2:30.

Just overwhelm me.

It's time to start again. At least, I fucking hope so. Everyone deserves a second chance, right? I hope I didn't fuck mine up. And I wonder how many I still have left to give. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice..

I am so damn frustrated with you. I'm not sure what you want me to do. All those promises about this being different, about this year being change. I don't know why I was deluded into believing you. I'm still struggling to give you the benefit of the doubt, but you're making it very very difficult for me. I wonder what would happen if you knew how much you hurt me. I wish you would just admit that your care for me is only fractional to mine for you.

I still have so much to get through. This fight isn't over yet. I don't think sleep is going to be a legitimate option this week. I have yet so much to do. And not enough time to do it. As per usual.

Here I am without you.

"too much time, too long defending"

I have wasted so much effort, thoughts and tears over you. I am finally fed up. It took you ignoring me to make me realize how much I don't need you. I'm just glad that it was you who broke and not me. Because now I can see that I am stronger than this. How fitting. Today is the perfect time to start fresh.

I really hope this isn't just wishful thinking on my end, because I really want need to let you go.

I am the only one standing in the way of my own happiness.

stressed.

Stress eats away at your soul, I've decided. It doesn't help that a certain someone is clawing at my head too. Why can't I just concentrate? I mean, I have so much fear of the upcoming two months. Yet I can't seem to put any of that fear to good use.

Thankful.

"so caught up in ourselves, we take when we should give."


Today is thanksgiving. So I'm going to do just that. No matter how lame it comes out, the thanks that need to be given have been long deserved. 


I am thankful for my family. Who in their own strange asian ways are the most supportive they know how to be. For Amanda, Titzy and Karina because they save my sanity over and over again when I'm literally hanging on the edge. I'm thankful for all the friends at home. Most of them have been my comfort and support for years now, and they still put up with my craziness and ridiculous ways. For everyone at Mac because they've given me a home away from home. Especially thankful for 108 Barclay, Chris and Pat. And obviously, him. I have never been so lucky to have anyone in my life as awesome as he is. No one else is careful and mindful of me the way he is. Especially because most of the time I don't even deserve it. 


I'm thankful for stupid things that no one ever thinks about. The roof over my head, the clothes on my back, the education I'm allowed to have. 


I'm even thankful for my demons. Because without them, I would never be able to grow to be stronger. Especially one in particular. I'm thankful for you. You have both brightened my life and made it hell, but in the end I learned a lot about myself that I don't think I would have any other way. And you still cling to my head and claw at my thoughts, but I will let you go. I'm sure of it. 


"It's up to us to be the change. And even though we all can still do more. There's so much to be thankful for."

your most obvious weakness.

Is this really what you wanted? If you look back at when you made your decisions, were you sure? I wish it was so simple. That there was some sort of undo button. That if you make a mistake, you could just undo it. I know your mind frame has shifted and I'd prefer for it to shift back. But I don't think that it can now. No matter how hard I try. And I guess the best thing for me to do is to let go and stop trying at all.

insomnia.

I can't sleep. I haven't been able to sleep. It's like there's this dark cloud of awake-ness looming over my head. It's absolutely horrible. And everyday is the same, I run on a hell of a lot of caffeine. I don't know why I can't function like a normal human being should. But it's really becoming a problem.

If I had to pick one word to describe how I'm currently feeling it would be apathetic. I just can't seem to feel anything. Other than overwhelming stress and fear. I think if I don't think about it, it doesn't have to bother me. Because when I start to consider what's really going on here, I want to scream. I think I need to breakdown. I'm not sure I even know how anymore.

withered through autumn.

I don't know why I won't allow myself to be okay with this. I think it's pretty obvious that I'd be way better off without you. It's pretty easy to see that you have done way more harm than good. Then why is it so hard to sever all ties? Why do I search for things to tell you. She was right when she said that you're not even a person anymore, you've sort of become a figment of my imagination. But more so in a way that I've built you up as a completely different person than you probably are.

I am really not ready for this long weekend. A long weekend at home means facing a lot of things that I don't think I have patience for. Not to mention I don't get anything done at home, ever. I can't just take 4 days out of my life to not do anything. I have so much to accomplish by the end of the month.

I am scared to death of the next couple of weeks.

I wish I could just sleep for the rest of the week. I am so tired and still so much to do.

let me go.

All this time I'm the one trying to let you go. Maybe you're the one who has to let ME go. Apparently, you won't be left behind.

"Out of sight, out of mind"

how I wish it was that simple.

I miss you, terribly. For the first time in a while. As much as it hurts, it makes me really happy.

Brand New Day.

Waking up with purpose to start fresh. It's time to let go of my demons, I've let them hold me back for much too long now. I know that giving you up is giving up that part of me that's still holding on to you. But I know now that it needs to be done. I know I've said it time and time again. And over and over. I'm just really hoping that I'm going to mean it this time. Because this is something I really need right now. And I don't think I should deny myself that any longer.

But as always, we'll see how this goes.

closer.

I realize now that I've been contemplating making the worst decision in my life for someone I don't even know. The sad thing is, this doesn't bring me to stop. It only makes me want to get to you know a little bit more and a little bit more. It's like i HAVE to know that I'm wrong about you before I can make any decisions. But you won't give me the chance. I don't know why it was ever a good idea to open myself up to you when clearly you weren't ready to do the same.

Being here is stressful. I want to go back a couple weeks to when I didn't have any legit work to do. And I was just living as I pleased. Coming and going when I wanted with nothing else to worry or care about.

The conversations in my head go back and forth constantly. I need to make a decision and stick to it.

I am still in disbelief. I don't want to believe it. I am re-living it over and over in my head. But everything was so wrong, but it was the most right I've felt with you. ever. but you lied. about everything. and here I thought I was the one with the dishonest face.

forget your name, forget your fear.

I don't know how I even allow myself to be hurt by you anymore. You make me so angry. I almost want to turn on my heel and book it out the door. I could never hurt you like that though. Every little thing that I used to be able to look past is bothering me. And I'm scared. I'm scared that this might not be it anymore. I'm scared that I keep making excuses not to go or to go. I'm not even sure anymore. I hate this. I hate how hard everything has become. Especially things that used to be so simple. I hate that I have no idea. Of anything. I hate that I have no more reason to come back. I hate that I shouldn't have used that as a reason to begin with. I hate that I can't be okay when I get stuck in my own head. I hate you for this. I hate him for this. I hate that the only person I have any right to hate right now is myself.

Nothing is right anymore. I'm can't believe I caved in. I knew this was going to be hard, but I thought I could do it. The allure of finding you right now is so appealing. I can't believe how bad I want it. And all of that makes me realize how guilty I feel. How do I even have the right to be mad or upset when I am causing so much pain on my own.

you've got growing up to do.

"I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away."

I knew this was going to difficult, if not impossible. fuck.

the hardest part.

"The best thing I could give to you,
is for me to go.
Leave you alone."

I will force myself to do this. I will leave you behind. And now I'm pushing this into your hands. I am scared of the outcome and even more scared of how I'll feel about the eventual outcome.

breathe.

holy crap. I really need to stop and take a breather. I'm like freaking out about nothing. Or something that I don't know is true yet. I don't even know why this really bugs me. It just does. and it's make me go nuts in my own head. Fuck. as if I really needed another distraction.

rewind.

Let's go back. To before I decided to go psycho-bitch on you. When the walls were just starting to crumble. When I was happy in my lost-middle state. Before you took the control into your hands and decided to hurt me. It's funny because I always seem to put all the blame on you. But it's really only me that's hurting myself. It was really all my own fault for letting my head and heart become so vulnerable to you. Can we go back to the point where you were genuinely careful of me? when conversation wasn't forced. And we weren't holding onto fragments of nothing. It's been mere months, but it honestly feels so long. Although whenever I decide to let you go, here you are forcing pieces of conversation to make it back into my head and life. It's almost as if you're holding on as hard as I am. But I won't convince myself of that anymore. The only thing I need to convince myself of is that letting you go will be the best decision I will ever make. I just need to make it.

I will push past this. and you.

photoshop is always soothing.

I can picture your face well.

I want to pinpoint the certain time and date when I spiraled into this. I want to figure out why I allowed myself to let it get to the point that it's at right now. I can't think about this or you anymore it hurts too much. But when I turn my mind to what I should be focusing on, I find myself equally hurt and so lost. I don't know how to take all this anxious energy and put it into productivity potential. It's really what I need to do. I don't know why you think it's fun to build me up only to watch me fall. hard. I wish I could function normally.

afterall.

After all that. After all the self-revelations. After all the embarrassment and the failed attempts. After reaching out for nothing, or maybe something. After losing, gaining. After forgiving, forgetting, letting it go. After hurting and being hurt.

I am right back where I started off
and running out of places to go.

fuck, how did it even get to this.

start from square one.

As happy as I am that it's all water under the bridge now, I realize that I'm starting right from where I left off. With no conclusions, no definite answers. A whole lot of maybes and even more uncertainties. Anxiety is reaching an all time high and I feel like I've reached an all time low.

wrong.

I'm trying really hard. I swear I am. I'm trying to put all this restlessness into legit work. I need to do something, but I can't focus on anything. I'm pretty pissed at myself still. I can't believe how idiotically I have been behaving lately. I keep replaying the scenario over and over in my head and nothing seems to make sense. I am still shaking with hurt. And no one to blame but me. I know. I don't know how I let it get this far. I don't know why I took it to this level. I thought I knew what I wanted. Apparently I was wrong. I am wrong about everything.

so this brain in my head can forget your face and name.

i can't believe it. how did i know you were going to let me down. I just knew. i knew it. I don't know why i fucking deluded myself into thinking otherwise. I just can't help but feel genuinely so sad and disappointed. I haven't felt so hurt in a long time. I don't know what I was thinking. But whatever it was, i was wrong. I was so so wrong about you. I was wrong about me. I was wrong about this. It was a mistake to plan this in the first place. but yet, i can't shake you. I wanted so bad for you to hurt me so i could let you go. but I can't let you go. What the fuck is wrong with me. I don't even know what to say to you anymore. It's going to take so much strength to pick myself up off of the floor. I can't even handle this now. How did I allow myself to be this vulnerable. The only person I can be mad at right now is myself. and there's nothing I can do about that. I just want to be over it. I want to be over this. MY hands are shaking. my whole body is heaving. I feel like there is some way deeper rooted meaning to this than just you bailing on me. I can't fucking believe it. I just can't. What surprises me more is how hurt I am by it. I really shouldn't give a fuck. but I do. I really do. You were wrong. And I knew it all along. I shouldn't have trusted you. But it's not your fault. I shouldn't have put myself out there to get hurt again. I knew it was a mistake. I should probably stamp out the glimmer of hope that still flickers, because its pretty damn obvious that there's no chances anymore.

death.

I feel like death. I think last night was a bad call on a few levels. Holy shit, I am shitting my pants in nervousness for today. I should probably try to stop shaking, have a shower and pull my shit together. My room and clothes smell unfamiliar. It's making me anxious.

Great Expectations.

I realize now why I get so easily hurt. I hold people to these expectations that they don't ever live up to. I put everyone and their thoughts and intentions on a pedestal. And I am shocked and appalled when I find out that my beliefs were false. I didn't think I ever asked for too much. But I'm supposing that I did. Because if I didn't, it wouldn't be so easy to let me down. I need to stop expecting things from anyone or anything. Then I won't be disappointed anymore.

Firewater.

As it draws nearer, I find myself losing my breath. I can't seem to handle this. You have made me delirious with happiness, but I have never been so anxious in my life. I can't focus on anything. Although, I think I would take anxiety over the numbness I've been feeling lately.

I need to get productive. I keep saying that this is going to be my year. This year, I'm going to succeed. But I can't focus on anything for more than ten to fifteen minutes. Sure, I go to class but I drift in and out of an attentive state.

I am so terrified for what's going to happen. I don't know what I want to happen. I think I need to do this. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I just know that what I want to do isn't what I should do, but when it comes down to it, its the only thing I want to do. But it won't solve anything. At all. In fact, it would cause so many more problems that I can't even begin to think of. I am just so scared. The idea of you scares me shitless. I thought I had it all figured out, but I think I was wrong. I am always second guessing myself. I wish you would just let me down, so I could get away from you. But you won't.

I think I want to go back to normal, whatever the fuck that was. I don't know if I was one hundred percent happy, but it was easy. and I think I would settle for that right now. Easy. That is what life is seriously lacking right now. Everything that was easy, isn't anymore. Absolutely everything. Being with him, being with me, friendships, productivity, getting out of bed. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to make everything easier again.

Note to self:

Take it easy. Breathe. Stop. Relax. Tone it down. Keep it to yourself. Fight it hard. Because you're not going anywhere, anyways.

all you ever wanted.

"don't want to reach for me do you, I mean nothing to you. The little things give you away"

I really need to let you go. And drop you to the ground. It's funny because you're the only thing standing in the way of my happiness, yet you always seem to bring a smile to my face. I don't get it. I don't try to get it anymore. I'm just trying to deal with it.

My tongue still misbehaves.

My head is clear and my heart is open.
For the first time in a while I can breathe.

I don't know what's going to happen this week. I don't now how this "space" thing is going to work. Or if it will help. I'm pretty sure nothing's going to change unless we take a bigger leap. But I'm not ready for that, and I'm not sure I even want that. Despite all of it, I'm still so unsure. But I know now what I would lose and I don't think I'm okay with hurting myself like that.

Being honest has brought a huge weight off my chest. and a hell of a lot more confusion in my head.

keeping busy.

I think my business has led me to not feel anything real the past two days. and now its hit me. I am surprised that this is the first time I've cried since i've been here. but I think I'm crying for all the wrong reasons. I don't feel the gut-wrenching pain I did when I left last year. I don't hurt with every ounce of my being. Is this growing up? Something tells me that it's not and that there's something else on my brain. I love him, I don't have to convince myself of that. I just want this to be simpler. I don't want to give anything up. anything. Even though I'm supposed to. But I won't let go of anything I hold. No matter what I let go of, I'm going to get hurt. And possibly hurt someone else. I can't bear the thought of that right now. I think I'm making everything out to be much more difficult and complicated than it is. I have blogged three times in the course of 24 hours. I think I have a problem.

wishes.

I wish I could somehow keep both of you. But that would not be fair to anyone. Not even me. The charade will bore me soon, I hope. I think I was wrong about what I said this morning. I'm seeing you next friday. And I don't know if this is going to be a good or bad thing yet. We'll see I guess. I'm mad about how not in my control this is.

weakness, weakness at the thought of how you're gonna play.

How long should I stay?

Vodka and I are no longer friends, I don't think. I can't believe my own stupidity. Why would that ever be a good idea? Somehow my legs don't function now and I can barely stand. I awoke this morning more tired than I've ever been in my life and full of questions. Questions that are gaining answers that I never wanted to hear or admit to myself. I miss you more than ever. Come home to me please. It's clear what I want, but I have one huge obstruction in the way of it. One that I can't seem to shake and that has a lot more power over me than I originally thought. I was wrong to let it slip out of my hands. I need to regain control over the situation. But how do you control what you feel, what you think. I just can't stay in the limbo anymore. I need to assert what I want and need to do. I need to re-create my image of you. One that is not so high on a pedestal. I mean, we have our moments and they are beautiful. But I can't just relive those moments over and over to make them a reality. I need to realize that you're not what I want, because you would just hurt me over and over. Which is something I wouldn't be able to handle right now. I don't know what my intentions were last night, but they did not transpire well.

"I can always trust as much as you deceive"

I was wrong to trust you. You were wrong to say that I could. You read me like a book and told me everything I needed, but I was wrong. I don't think you could care the way you say you could. I think when the reality of what a mess I am hits you in the face you'd run the opposite direction as fast as possible. There's nothing I can do, but accept that. It's not something that I want to face as true, but it is the truth. I need to let you go so that I can bring my focus back onto what is important and what has been important all these years. but there's still so much of me hanging on to you, that I don't know how to let go without hurting myself too.

I want out of this tangled mess I created. I want to see you. I can't see you. I shouldn't see you. But yet, I'm somehow happy in despite all the madness. I don't have to turn it into something huge, if I don't want to. I can let it linger at this harmless level. But something tells me, I'm supposed to cut it off completely. But what if I don't want to.

if there's a rocket- tie me to it.

fuck. If there is one single word to describe everything in my head it would be that. It's so wrong. So fucking wrong. I need to control everything in my path. I have to learn to let things into the hands of other people. I NEED TO BREATHE. but I feel too busy to breathe. There's no time in my head. There's no time anywhere. I can feel everyday slipping through my fingers like grains of sand. I just want more. I want everything to fall into place like it used to. I hate making it work. I just can't handle being in my own skin anymore. I need release. And I know just how to get it. But slipping into my old habits won't solve anything. In fact, it would probably double my problems. I should probably stop shaking now.

"we weren't meant to be, we just happened"

WHAT IF IT JUST HAPPENED. FUCK. I can't even think like that. I can't have it all. I know what I truly, deeply want. I don't know why you keep pushing yourself into my mind. I do know why. It's all my fault. I haven't been this jumpy in ages. Its really fucking with me head. so damn much. I repeat the same things over and over, but I don't really give a shit because no one reads this probably. Just goes to show that you always want what you can't and shouldn't have. I just wish I could tell you. I wish I could know for sure. I want to look into the future and know I'm making the right choice. What if I let this pass and it was the biggest mistake. What if there isn't any opportunity for me to take. And I'm just making it up. There are so many what ifs. I just need to KNOW.

You, you of all people, should know by now. How easily I scar. How easily you can draw the tears from my eyes. How easy it is for my to remember those words that slapped me across the face. But now I am realizing that I am better for it. It has made me realize that I must be cautious about where I leave my heart and to take precaution in wearing my heart on my sleeve. It makes me want to shut my mouth. For good. I don't want to close back into the shell I made, but I don't think putting myself out there is a good idea either. I can see myself getting hurt again. And this time, I don't think the wounds will heal as nicely. Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice, shame on ME.

I make the perfect deceptions. Only enough to deceive myself and fuck myself over. fuck fuck fuck fuck. FUCK.

you looked like you'd been suffering, like you never really loved the pain.

holy shit. Summer, where did you go? How am I supposed to leave my stupid friends that I look to as family. Saying bye to you was a million and a half times harder than I ever thought it would be. You've been my best friend for eight years, give or take. It's weird to see you leaving. As much excitement as I have to go, I am heartbroken. I take my turn hating and loving each of them, but being separated kind of sucks.

I can't believe how far I've taken this. It needs to end. Now. I thought my "self-revelation" post realm of possibility the other night would have ceased this. I was wrong. I know where my heart stays and I know who I want at my side now. And I'm sure of this for the first time in a while. But my head drifts. "I'm not unfaithful, but I'll stray. When I get a little scared" I don't know what possesses me to do the things I do. Fuck. Everything is a jumbled mess and it's all my fault.

sweetness never suits me.

After a wonderful weekend, my thoughts are all jumbled up. Funny, I thought they had straightened themselves out over bottles of wine and vodka rockstars. Guilt is heart-wrenching. And so I'm taking it into my own hands and stopping this now. I sincerely would run to the ends of the earth for him, but I just trip and stumble over everything. I think I know where I belong now. But as per usual, nothing is ever stationary.

mistakes.

I know I brought this upon myself. I will always contemplate what if. And its my own fault. I could have left it with a clean cut and break. But no, I decided to complicate it and drag it on much further than it has to be dragged on. It would've been easier if you had stopped fucking with my mind and just left me alone. But you listened, like no one else had listened. An unbiased opinion that I needed to hear. But definitely not quite what I wanted to hear. Not that I would have done anything if you told me what I think I wanted to hear. I don't know, you're fucking with my head so much and now that I'm gone this was supposed to be done. But I had to mess that up too. I know I haven't done anything wrong and have no intention of doing so. Then why am I feeling so guilty?

I know I take him for granted sometimes, but I will genuinely miss him when I go back. I don't know who'll remind me to be a good person, if not him.

I'm sorry, but I just need my space and sometimes I feel suffocated. I want all the uncertainty in my head to go away, and it probably will come september when I can breathe on my own again. As much as I love having you here to depend on, I need to be strong on my own too.

I've made so many mistakes lately that I'm not sure what to do with myself. But what's done is done. This is probably the most open and real I've been with myself. Sometimes I get lost in the vagueness of my own self and I don't even know what I'm talking about.

it's never gonna give itself up.

HOLY EFFING SHIT. I cannot believe tomorrow is my last day at crappy tire. I am shitting my pants with excitement and really depressed at the same time. I have come to hate that place, but love the people that surround me.

"It's always times like these when I think of you & wonder if you ever think of me. 'Cause everything's so wrong and I don't belong living in your precious memory."

I wonder what would have happened if tonight had gone wrong. Or if today was any different. I wonder who would have been left to stand alone. Something tells me it would have been me. Now I'm left with no mistakes to undo. Just a very large pile of "what if's" I think I can be happy here. For now.

no sleep.

I know what keeps me up at night. Its the same thing that prohibits me from being productive most of the time. I need to sleep, but I'm anxious. So I don't sleep, because I can't. Then I get anxious about not sleeping. fucking hell. I don't want to work at nine o'clock tomorrow- thanks, though.

I don't know why I subject myself to such torture called nostalgia. I mean, no one is forcing me to re-read anything. But now, every ounce of hurt I felt then has made its way back into my head. I feel wrong for letting it go. I feel like I should say something now. But I don't want to fuck anything up. I don't want to hurt anyone. But it will linger in my head forever, most probably. I can't help but wonder if I was wrong to be so trusting and forgiving. Not that I ever blatantly showed anger or forgiveness proceeding the anger, but I did it all in my head. I need to get out of my head. But that means that I would have to find someplace to put myself and right now there is not really anywhere to do so. And I'm not just saying that because its almost 4 fucking thirty in the morning. It hurts when I think about it, but I can't stop thinking about it. I think I've made a mistake, but I'm not too sure. I know I wasn't wrong for conceding, but I think I was wrong for being stupid enough to forget. Whoever coined the phrase "forgive and forget" was obviously an idiot. Just because I can forgive you, doesn't mean I will let it go. In fact, I will probably hold onto it forever. Another internal debate of speaking or swallowing feelings. I miss the person I was when it wasn't even a question. I would just say what I needed to. But now, I'm scared of everything. After once having my words of fear sadness and loss thrown back at in my face , I think I will second guess every attempt I make to speak up. but I see no other way to make this go away. I can't bring something like that up again though. I feel like in this case I'm meant to just push it all away like I did originally and started with a new blank page. I think I'll just shut my mouth for the time being.

I think I have realized something I have been scared to acknowledge all along. Behind all this anger and frustration is a big heaping pile of hurt. I make a big show of spite and confusion, but I'm scared to admit that it really kills me inside. I don't know why I'm surprised by it anymore. It's happened once before, and it can and will happen again. I just trick myself into believing it won't.

legal.

HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY TO MEE.
at 2:50am I felt it was necessary to celebrate my birthday with its own blog entry. Natza is way too absorbed in Harry Potter. Leaving me with no one but my snoring sister and granny-smith my macbook. I'm 19 bitches.

Head & heart are colliding- CHAOTIC.

If uncertainty could kill, I'd most probably be dead. I feel like in my head, I've chosen what is sensible and what makes the most sense. But then why do I wonder if I'm making a mistake. I'm just so scared of making mistakes, because some you can't undo. Then what happens? I find myself being surprised at things that shouldn't surprise me anymore. I second-guess almost everything. I'm surprised that I find myself kind of disappointed to be leaving work so soon. I've sort of built a comfort zone there. And leaving means setting a deadline for making decisions. I am not a decision maker. I don't know what I've built up in my head to be true and false, but I'm pretty sure I'm wrong. I mean, I don't have to be one hundred percent sure all the time, I suppose. Everyone has doubts, or so I like to think. Which isn't to say that no one can ever be sure, but I don't see the price of certainty worth it. Despite this internal debate I run in my head everyday, I already know where my mind and heart will linger. And I know how my life will continue. I just need to assure myself that that's how I'll be happiest.

contentment.

I am happy. I may just be semi-drunkenly blabbering on, but I am happy. I mean, how could I not be right now? A lovely night at Katti's with the idiots that I am proud to call my friends. I have a wonderful ROM date with my beast of a boy. And then the flea market date with matthew, the long lost best friend and then more drunken shenanigans Saturday night with the wonderful amigos. I think its the little bit of alcohol in me speaking, but I am loving life tight nowww. Althought I'm pretty sure that its tahnks to the liquior that entered my system not too long ago, but I am happy.

I'm not sorry, there's nothing to say.

I wonder. I wonder a lot of things. I create scenarios in my head of how I would like my life to span out. I feel like I put too much faith in karma. And that one day people will be put in their place. I know too well what it's like to keep your mouth shut. I sometimes feel like an outsider standing and watching my life pass me by. I want to know what it feels like to be completely selfish. I will always live my life putting my own needs and wants on the back burner. I don't understand succumbing to what would seem like a blissful life of secluding oneself in their own needs and wants. Lately, I find myself in this strange middle ground of being so unsure of everything around me. But I know that I would not trade that feeling if certainty meant leaving it all behind me.

I am anxious. For once, in a good way. The feeling of being on edge has always made me very unproductive. I am going to trade the adrenaline that pumps through me for an energy to get stuff done. Instead of letting it take me over. I am bigger than this. I feel ready to take on another year of stress in the form of academics. I will conquer the beast, I think.

On a side note: I fucking love cyanide and happiness.

I love you, however.

I know its barely Tuesday, but it technically is and I'm bored.

Tuesday Confessionals:
+ I like to randomly doodle. a lot.

+ We spent waay too much money at IKEA on Sunday but I am thoroughly pleased with the appearance of my bedroom

+ This summer was not at all what I expected.

+ I have a love/hate relationship with lined paper

+ I regret every friendship that ever ended wrongly. Especially ones that I could have prevented from ending to begin with.

+ I place a lot of faith in Karma and that people will eventually get what's coming to them.

+ "If you let me have my way, I swear I'll tear you apart"

+ I can explain everything I'm feeling and thinking through other people's words, but never in my own.

Insomniac.

Apparently sleeping is not an option tonight. I love having four hours of sleep before an eight hour shift.

"I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me.
Such as, living with the uncertainties.
That I'll never find the words to say that will completely explain.
Just how I'm breaking down.
Yes, I'm breaking down."

I can't formulate words that are my own. Not properly, anyways.

Set Yourself On Fire.

"It's nothing but time & a face that you lose
I you chose to feel it but you I couldn't choose.
I'll write you a post card, I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love


LIVE THROUGH THIS & YOU WON'T LOOK BACK."

I don't have any real decisions to make. I think I'm just being ungrateful or is it for real. This is the chapter I never wanted to write. I want to tear out all the metaphorical pages and burn them. Everything feels tenfold. I need to be less melodramatic and a little more realistic. I get sick to my stomach thinking about how much I could hurt you. And I feel even worse for thinking about it. I will swallow everything I feel.

Tuesday Confessionals.

+ I am a closet brand-junkie. I don't own a lot, but I secretly love designer stuff. (Michael Kors, Kenneth Cole, Betsey Johnson, etc.) It hurts my wallet too much to feed the brand-junkie though. Which is probably a good thing.

+ My room is such a disaster that I just want to clean it, but I have no idea where to begin.

+ I have favourites. And they vary constantly.

+ I hate my job most of the time, but I do like most of the people I work with.

+ I can't stand not having finalized plans, I hate waiting on people to figure out what's going on. This is a large part of the reason that I take on pretty much all planning tasks, because I like to know what's going on at all times. I also really hate waiting for the schedule at work.

untitled.

hypocrisy
gets you no where.



enough said.

Truth is, I am done pretending.

"I never thought that I had anymore to give."

I don't think you understand how much I miss you. But you know that I enjoy being an ass to you way too much to actually admit it. I can't help but remember that you were always there at 5 in the morning when I needed you most. Telling me your embarrassing secrets to make me stop crying. I don't want to have to wait until mid-august to see you again. I hope you don't lurk my blog anymore, because this could be embarrassing. We just don't do sentimental.

If I could've stopped this I would have. Had I known ahead of time.

Tuesday Confessionals.

It's been a while, but I will try my best.

+ I am easily impressed, but even quicker to be unimpressed.
+ I lie a lot and I'm good at it too. Which isn't really something to take pride in, but its the truth.
+ Moving out made me grow a pair.
+ I can't wait to move out again.
+ Sometimes I feel suffocated and I need my space, but that doesn't mean I want to leave.

rewind.

take a step back. I wonder how you'd feel if you knew what you were indirectly causing. I could never hurt like that. Regardless how many daggers you want to throw at me. I know that I am capable, but I'm really not. I can shoot the gun, but I can't handle the recoil. I am strong, but I am needy. I won't ever let you get the best, or the worst, of me. I am not really being sensible or coherent. I am not even writing down anything logical or linked together. I just know that I couldn't and I wouldn't. Despite what the places that I've been try to throw back down into my throat. Been there done that. Life is so fucking repetitive that I wonder why I'm still surprised when it cycles again. I wish I could show you exactly how you're being. I wish i knew who I was talking about when I say you. I leave for Florida in less than a week. I have never needed the escape more.

ignite your bones.

I am so fucking irritated. With everything. I am tired of all this fucking bullshit. I am bracing myself for this weekend. It could either be really fucking awesome, or it could be horrible. Either way, I plan on being way to drunk to even remotely care. Despite all of my annoyances I am willing to suck up my pride about all of the things that really bother me about everyone.

I really can't believe it has come to this. I am really truly disappointed. The outcome totally blind-sided me. I had totally different expectations. And along with my disappointment is a lot of freaking anger. I mean REALLY?! This is how its going to be here on in? It better fucking not be. Not if I have my say in anything. I can only allow so much of a grace period. Then I'm really going to snap.

I can't sleep without dreaming something fucked up. And waking up in the middle of the night. I need to get some legit rest if I'm going to make it through the rest of the week.

today.

Just one of those days, well nights, where I can't hold my own head up. And every little thing hits me like a ton of bricks and I can't breathe in my anxiety. But I will put on a brave front, because I have a life to live and I can't let it hold me down. Not anymore. When all the stupid little things pile up my brain goes into overdrive. I should probably get to sleep before I have another melodramatic fit.

sharpen your teeth; sink into me.

I am bored. I always complain about having no free time. And now I've got plenty of it and I am so bored. baaah, i really want tomorrow to come.

Hesitation.

I think I am going to push past it. I mean, its always going to bug me, but they were right to tell me to just go with it. Whether or not it goes my way. Which has always been difficult for me. I have a hard time breaking out of my own bias. I guess I'm just realizing that falling back into sync is so easy and I suppose I just can't get choked up when it doesn't happen so often. I know that it was not at my hands that perished. I was going to leave it where it was. I was going to stay just as angry as I am, or was. But I caught a glimpse of what it would cost and its not worth it. But its not worth losing sleep over either. I have found the middle ground, or so I think. Although, I'm scared to plant my feet firmly incase the ground falls through beneath me. There are still some things that bring me to angry tears, but I have to be willing to turn the other cheek. Not saying that magically everything is going to be great, because its not. And even if this is as good as it gets, I suppose I am willing to take that.

Forgive & not ever forget.

Across the water, across the deep blue.

Happy mommy day :) Tomorrow I begin work. I am not really looking forward to it, but I am definitely looking forward to having money. I'm pretty nervous, which is stupid I know. But I can't help but get anxious whenever I get placed in new weird situations. Especially ones where I'm expected to excel. I'm waiting on my final grade report so that I will know what programs I got into. Then comes course selection, which I have already pretty much picked out all my courses for. Summer is weird. It feels weird. I feel like I'm going to be going back Hamilton in like a week or so. I'm really bored and thought I should write something.

borrrrrrrrred.

Time goes so slowly in the summer. I can't believe I've only been here for like a week. I am so bored. I want to be somewhere exciting. Thank God I'm leaving in less than 10 days.

Legendary.

I'm feeling pretty awesome. I am so glad to be home for the summer. I mean, dealing with my parents and their shenanigans is going to suck, but other than that I'm totally stoked on life. I saw Michael Sera yesterday in starbucks with a bunch of hipsters, haha. I just feel happy and content with everything right now. I have plenty to do before this summer ends, but I have lots of time to do it. As much as being poor really sucks, not having a job gives me a lot of time for myself. And I do have things to do. I'm still not fully unpacked. I'm just happy and rambling about nothing. I suppose that is why I have a blog.

HOME.

I AM DONE FOR THE SUMMERRRRRRRR!!! I thought I would start off with that and also, I PASSED CALCULUS. I have never been so happy to see a D- in my life. Actually, it may be the first one i've ever seen. but either way, I am happy to see it. I am so happy to be done first year! And I'm glad to be home, although I do miss 309. I have a lot to accomplish this summer.. Let's make a list! (I am really over-using the exclamation marks tonight)

THE SUMMER LIST
1. FIX MY ROOM. it is seriously disaster area.
2. Get this jewelry thing going. If I'm going to make any money out of it I really need to take it seriously.
3. Brush up on Classical piano. I have missed it oh so much.
4. Lose the 15 lbs I gained in University. The freshman 15- its a reality.
5. Actually use my future gym membership- This is important.
6. Get psyched for second year.
7. Get my room ready in 108 Barclay
8. READ a lot.
9. Have an awesome frkn summer.


Wow, I really suck at this Tuesday Confessionals thing.
But, I am too tired to commit right now. I'm going to sleeeeep.

Don't fool yourself.

You are not done school yet. You are not done school yet. I have to remind myself this every couple of seconds. I actually have a very important exam coming up monday. Considering I failed the first midterm there's kinda a lot riding on this. Just like everything else.

I have packed up almost everything. Watching myself store the life I held for a mere 8 months was actually really depressing. Whenever I see people moving out, I get really depressed. In two ways- I wish I was them and I don't want to move out yet. I am quite comfortable exactly where I am thank you.
Although part of me cannot wait to get home.

I want to be deep into summer. When it's actually summer outside. I want to be able to sit outdoors until 2 in the morning because its warm enough to.

I really need a job. I feel like such a fail for not being able to get one. I don't even know what I'm going to do for money. I mean, there's always prostitution, but I don't really want to head down that road again... Anyways...

I have given up on biology for the evening. "Biological Sciences 3rd Edition" and I will reconvene in the morn. And this time i will conquer it. I mean seriously, I only have a chapter and a half left I really just need to tank through it.

Anyways, I know its early but I have already come up with an action plan for next year. I needed to do it so that way I could get into the mentality during the summer so I come back pumped.

CONQUERING SECOND YEAR
1. Go to class!
every single one of them

2. Do your readings!
keep up with everything

3. Start assignments early!
procrastination is the devil

4. Stay in shape!
join fitness classes.

5. Eat a lot better!
this means eating at better times too

6. Sleep normally!
5 am is not an acceptable bed time

7. Learn how to cook!
buying food is expensive

8. No excessive TV/movie watching!
stay focused

9. Don't Stress out!
don't put so much stress/pressure on yourself

10. Pay attention to the task at hand!
ADD will be the death of your marks

11. Make time for yourself!
remember that the less you procrastinate the more likely this is

12. Don't make excuses!
suck it up and do what you have to

13. Maintain a good work space!
get organized

14. Keep a clean room!
remember that cleanliness is next to godliness.

15. Be awesome!
this year is your year.

Holy crap, I am such a loser its not even funny.
Peace.

Leaving.

I can't really handle this. Everything is slowly, but surely getting packed up into little neat boxes. I have to admit, my packing is awesome, but this really sucks. I'm also being sort of impractical. I'm leaving the décor for last. I just can't handle to sleep in a room of bare walls. I can barely even stay in the kitchen, in all its emptiness. I'm packing up my comfort zone and it's fucking scary as hell. I've said bye to one half of the people who have held my sanity together the past 8 months when I needed it most. Looking back, I had no idea it was going to be like this. I don't even remember gradually getting into the relationships I have with my roommates. It just sort of was instant. I glance around my half-empty bedroom and realize that this is my home for only 3 days more. I want summer so bad, but I didn't really think about what that meant about leaving. I'm already kind of excited for the end of summer when we are reunited in 108 Barclay. But still, its not just moving out of the suite. Its moving out of res. It just means that everything changes again. I picked myself off the floor to come here and now I have to do it again to come home. Knowing that when I come back in September everything must change. I've never been good with change. I don't think I ever will be.

I really need to concentrate though, if I'm even going to get through these last three days.

Belated Tuesday Confessionals:
+ I want to write down everything he says, so I can look back at it when I need him the most.
+ I am scared to death of change and never accept it willingly.
+ I ate almost an entire bag of jalapeño chips last night.
+ I have not begun studying for my biology exam, I really need to start.
+ I hate it when people chew with their mouths open, for both the sight and sounds.

parallel dimensions.

I wish that i could not exist for less than 24 hours starting now. And then be back in existence at around 12'noon tomorrow. My life would be so much better. I don't think I can tame the beast they call calculus, but I know I can't fail either.
I just don't want to be stressed anymore.

Redone.

Yes, I re-did the colouring of my blog and such.
I have OCD about my internet stuff. And I just wanted my blog to match my twitter in some way.



Yes, I am that big of a loser, in case you didn't already know.

we've been generally warned.

This is what Dr. Joe Kim wants us to look at


ELEVEN MORE DAYS. yes I'm counting down, so what. I somehow still have zero motivation to focus. Apparently, failure is now an option. And yet, that doesn't seem to scare me into doing anything about it. I mean, anything other than shitting my pants. I am so damn jealous of the people who are already done, or who will be done in like 2 days. I am actually scared shitless though of moving out of here. I don't think I can last 4 months at home. Not to mention, I'm going to miss so many people. And it seems like I'll have nothing to do but sit on my ass all day. I really need a job. I will stop being whiny and ranty now.

BLAH! EXAMS!

Basically, I hate life. I hate school. I thought I used to hate school, but that hatred is nothing compared to the burning rage I feel toward it now. okay, enough anger. Only 13 more hellish days left. I cannot believe I am failing calculus. Like legitimately failing. Holy shit, I never thought it would come to this.

but anyways, enough with my angst.

Tuesday Confessionals
+ I have barely left my bed today.

+ I am hungry 99% of the time

+ I have this overwhelming feeling of fear due to this high stress time of my life

+ I am actually really excited for second year, because I am going to tackle the beast and defeat it. AKA regain my intelligence and crazy high marks.

+ I need to sleep in a more regular pattern. I sleep sporadically.

+ I REALLY REALLY need a job. Its not even funny.

school ruins lives. I can't believe I have like 7 more years of this hellish ordeal.

P.S. I got twitter. It creeps me out.

Tuesday Confessionals.

+ I hate it when I go through phases where I only like about 5 songs in my itunes library.

+ I am really currently obsessed with No You Girls by Franz Ferdinand

+ I would give almost anything to make you remember me or at least pretend to. I don't want to try anymore, in fear of being shot down. But it's honestly really tearing me up inside.

+ I get really depressed when I think about moving out of 309.

+ I didn't do the last two physics questions because I am frustrated and only have 10 minutes before the deadline anyways.

+ I sometimes get really hyper and energetic for no apparent reason.

eric's birthday is in 11 minutes. I wish more than anything that I was at home right now with him.

I need the smell of summer; I need its noises in my ear.

Another unproductive day. Actually, it was pretty productive. But not at all in the way it should've been. I downloaded a million and half photoshop brushes and then wasted away on photoshop. I now have a separate blog for my "photoshop secrets" and my random time waster "art". CLICK HERE TO VIEW IT!

It is Tuesday though.

Tuesday Confessionals:
+ I have about $17 on my meal plan, its embarrassing
+ I was actually really excited about the fact that I was able to order an alcoholic beverage last night, which makes me a big nerd- I am aware
+ I have an exam in less than two weeks that I have not cracked a book open for
+ I have really given up on school right now, I just want to pass everything and be done
+ I really need to get motivated again
+ I am constantly trying to figure people out, even people I don't know

that's all.

Post Script.

I can't handle this. I am going to break. I want to scream. I want to throw it back in your face. I will not let you get the worst of me.

Tuesday Confessionals.

I promised bex I would do this. So here it is, my tuesday confessionals.

+ I like markers. Especially really colourful ones.

+ I chew fruit flavoured gum to prevent myself from eating an actual dessert after a meal.

+ I hate group projects, because when it comes to them I am a control freak.

+ I brush my teeth in the shower.

+ I am irrationally afraid of fire and bridges.

Anyways, exams have never seemed so appealing to me. I'm pretty much sick. I'm dizzy and cold all the time, but I don't have time to sit and recover. I have so much shit to do. I am so stoked for summer.
That is all.

I swear it's you that my heart beats for.

"You never have to be alone, I promise."
I realize that I have already posted today. but what better things do I have to do? Oh yes, a psych paper due tomorrow. How can I be expected to make sense elegantly and intellectually when I feel like I can't even phrase a simple sentence.
If you're looking for me, I haven't really gone anywhere. I'm just waiting around. I spend too much time waiting. I just wish I could know that there's some part reaching for me still.
For the first time since i've moved here, I feel homesick. I want to be at home. I am so much safer there. I miss him. And oddly enough, I just miss home. I remember on move-in when I wasn't even a little bit phased when my family left, but I nearly lost it when he and nitz left. I want that back. My after school, snacking unhealthily til we die neighbor. I want him to come back too.
I want this week over and it's barely even begun.

Bittersweet Poetry.

"I think I'm moving, but I'm going nowhere.
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared."
I can feel myself getting sick. It is awful, I have way too much to do- I can't afford time to get better. I am constantly thinking, but my thoughts aren't even coherent. It's not like they're circling, or analyzing. They are just randomly darting around. I need to get this done.
I am just really frustrated beyond belief. I want to say I'm better for it, but I don't even know that for a fact. I feel like all that's left is animosity towards it. Almost blind rage, but maybe just blinding from what's really lurking underneath.
The fact that I swallowed all my fear and I let change take over less than seven months ago, I thought was enough. Now, that I have built up my comfort zone here, I have to prepare once again for it to be stripped away. Not really knowing if my former one is even in existence.
I wish that there was some way to get everything in my head down. I want to make this a regular, daily occurrence.
I can only hope.

wait, they don't love you like I love you.

I just am bursting. Out of my own skin. I am frustrated, aggravated. I just want to let it go. I'm scared to know what I'll be left with if I do. I need school done. Three weeks until exams never sounded so wonderful. I am scared for everything around me. I don't even know how to talk about how I feel. My thoughts are fragments. Incomplete. I need something, someone, to keep me grounded. I have laid out everything only to have to pick up my own pieces from the floor. I want to be comfortable. I want change. But not actually, I want to change back into what was. I really am just ready for the weekend. I want to sleep for eternity.

Cling to the mast. Spend your whole life living in the past. Going nowhere fast.

I really just need to be productive.

you give up your soul til you break down.

I am lost. I can feel my impending doom coming slowly, inching closer. There is no amount of fear instilled in me to make myself pick up the pieces and do something productive. There is no motivation. Not even enough to get out of bed. Ever. I need, so much, for him to just come back. I am only sane with you. Because you have kept me safe.

Everything I thought I could put pieces of myself into, has shattered. I am a mess of anxiety hidden behind a mirror of pretending. I make the best deceptions, at times enough to deceive myself.